There are many, many, many religions in this world. People believe in stuff ranging from your iconic God, to Vishnu, to Xenu, to Buddha, Super Mecha Death Chris† 2000, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, The Mechanical Hand, and weird lizard people. Who’s correct? I dunno, but that’s not important until you die. We’ve yet to recieve reliable word from any dead people so I guess that’s as good an indication as any that most are barking up the wrong tree(s).

The Prince of Peace is back... and he is PISSED.

With 19 major religions and countless localized ones, we’re in a buttfuck over who’s saved or what happens when you die, or what goes on while we’re alive. Hell there’s 38,000 different versions of Christianity alone, so which one of THEM is right? Hopefully none of them, because then I’d have a good laugh while drinking smoothies with a Hare Krishna monkey or something.

Point is, there’s gotta be something we all believe in to some degree, right? Even the most stone cold, hardcore, dead to rights Atheist has something that they worship with the fervor one does a deity. That thing happens to be that yellow thingy in the sky that makes flowers grow and your eyes hurt if you look at it.

Taken mere seconds before vaporization. The  Crime: BLASPHEMY AND MOCKERY OF OUR LORD!

So I bet you’re asking, “What the fuck? No one worships the sun unless they’re in one of those weirdo Pagan cults or something.” Well truth be told, we’re all sucking the radioactive luminous cock tendrils of La Sol. It’s our fucking boss, and here are some reasons why.

1) We get up when it appears, or in the winter, shortly before it does, and we go to sleep and do many fun things(go out dancing, for instance) when it’s away, so it controls our habits and sleep schedules.

2) We organize our activities around it. We have a 24 hour system in place to tell us what we should do, when we should do it, all based on a luminous, light-years away disk of pure heat.

3) We can’t look directly at it for fear of hurting ourselves. One cannot help but think of the Christian God, who they say is hiding because he’s too brilliant to look upon, lest we simply ignite and become a pile of ashes. Bullshit reason, yeah, but the sun could really do that… to your eyes at least.

4) We depend upon it for our health and well being. We normally associate sunny days with happiness and energy, but that’s other people, as I’m more of a darkened winter skies kinda guy.

5) To bring back the Atheist argument, it is a replacement deity of sorts. Hand them a drink early in the morning, and unless they’re a 24/7 kind of person, they will say “What are you crazy? It’s still light out”. This is kind of a weird example, I know, but drinking and other activities are normally relegated to the dark hours, thus showing you that the sun is our MASTER! MASTER!

Don’t be so surprised, you knew a Metal reference was coming sooner or later.

Hopefully this makes sense to you, all silliness aside. No I’m not saying that we’re all a giant sun cult, but with evidence of how much of a part this undulating, brilliant globe of fire and unbridled teutonic force plays in our lives to the point of its death being that of ours… better kneel and pray that it doesn’t take your soul before our 5 billion year clock is up, eh?


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