Hip Hop Is Not Dead. It Just Has Cancer

Hip-Hop is a strange genre. It’s one that I’m reluctant to say I like because most will assume I just mean Top 40 bull shit, but then again if I say I don’t like it, I may come across as a jackhole elitist who only likes stuff with angry guitars. I try not to be an elitist on purpose, but it’s an inverted cross we all have to bear sometimes.

Ye olde unreadable or  you’re false metal. Choose wisely, cunt.

I am one of those people who if asked “Hey, what do you listen to?” I can say “A little of everything.” and not be a douche attempting to sound openminded. I got a little bit of country, a little bit of Rock’n’Roll, shitton of Metal, Hip-hop, some Pop, Reggae, Ska, Punk, Jazz, Alternative, Funk, R&B that’s not all of the Intercourse With You variety, and at one point, Tibetan bowl music on a thousand year loop. It sucked, though, don’t do it.

Hip-Hop is certainly not the beast it was in the eighties, so I’m here to present to you some good acts from today and a million years ago when everyone wasn’t involved in the most genius pyramid scheme known to man called Popular Music.

COMMENCE THE VIDEO STORM

Del tha Funky Homosapien

De La Soul

Black Sheep

Linkin Park(Yep)

and on a related note…

Fort Minor

Grand Master Flash

Snoop Dogg

Wu-Tang Clan

Gravediggaz

I’m getting tired of linking vids, so for further reference see these, and cheers, fucker.

Ghostface Killah – 9 Milli Bros. feat Wu-Tang Clan

Eminem – Medicine Ball

RZA – Fuck What You Think

NWA – Express Yourself

Tyler The Creator – Yonkers

Necro – As Deadly As Can Be

Jay Z – Money Ain’t A Thang

Now go explore, and remember, stay away from hot glue guns.

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Defeated Sanity in close quarters combat

Gone Camping

My throat hurts. Maybe from all the cocks that went in my throat due to the smallness of this venue. The PT-109 was about as big as my bedroom without a bed in it, and there was a lot of beef in the room, so needless to say it was quite dank in thur. Nevertheless, it was a great show. Many people from important local bands, and all around buddies came to be packed like sardines for a once in a dog’s lifetime viewing of Defeated Sanity, one of Germany’s most brutal exports.

Scaphism

Sudden urges to play Ski can strike at any time.

Lots of dancing and a little slammin’, songs about rape, disease, and Star Wars, put that in a blender, hit “CUT IT THE FUCK UP”, and you get a Scaphism show. I’m not sure how long it’ll be before I can swallow or even breathe without feeling like I’m recovering from a tracheotomy, but fear not for my larynx, as it has absolutely nothing to do with the Rapture. Sadly there was no Chainsawdomy, as the nerds outvoted the rapists and the Sarlacc swing won out. They should’ve went ahead and played both, but y’know what, they’ll be back in like 3 minutes, so it doesn’t matter.

Composted

 Feels good to be able to see one of Boston’s best bands twice in the space of one month, I must say. Mercifully they had a short set-up time, and yet another Composted show with a startling lack of costumes ensues.Closest we got was Evan the vocalist with a towel on his head for much of the time. inb4 Osama. The setlist was quite similar to the one at the church(HALLELUJAH), with a few minor differences being that Jimmy Buffet was not filling in on guitar and that instead of BB(W)Q they played Prostitotz. Plenty of silly pictures of myself and audience members dancing later, and the penises are retracted from our anuses.

Dysentery

“I had to poop. Really bad.”

The problem with pocket sized rooms is that there’s no space to flip out unless you’re one of those people that jus’ don’t give a fuck. I’m one of those people that gives a fuck, so I kept myself on a short leash. Others weren’t as willing to stand still, and took the chance of impaling someone on a ninja star(!?) and knocking down some framed shirts, or even crashing into the band members themselves. Luckily none of this happened, but the tile floor is FUBAR. Oh and the set was pretty good too.

Defeated Sanity

ZE GERMANS! THEY ARE ATTACKING!

Remember when I said this venue’s about the size of a pincushion and full of aggressive, sweaty men? Do you know what happens when you bring in a band who may not tour the US for about 5 more years who play aggressive Slamz? You guessed right: Will from Dysentery tries to decapitate motherfuckers. I’ll be honest, I only know two or three Defeated Sanity songs well enough to throw down fluently, but this venue was not the time or place for me to throw down since I kinda give a fuck. For those who didn’t, more power to them, but damn it got hot in there. A string broke and Defeated had to change guitars, so I  took that opportunity to get some fresh air. Ah, how sweet. Another string of br00tality followed, and everyone filed out quickly. I guess standing in a hotbox stops being fun when the music isn’t playing. I hope that I’ll be able to see Defeated Sanity in the future, if ever, so I’ll continue brushing up on their material, and until then, I’ll work on throwing down in areas so small as to constitute a fire hazard when more than 30 people are in it at once. Cheers fuckers!

Power Metal vs Heavy Metal

If you’re one of those people who notices the tiny things about speech and how it affects people, you may notice that I cringe at the words “Heavy Metal”. Put away your pitchforks, and unhand me you ruffians, for I love Metal in all shapes and forms, I just don’t like that particular combination of words. It’s gross. It’s dusty. It makes you sound 50. Not that there’s anything wrong with that… Hi mom!

Headlining Bloodstock… and poisoning fish.

Even in reference to the substances like Mercury or Lead, I’m just euughghh. Worst is using NWOBH as a genre when it’s clearly a time period, you fuckwits! Gah. What was the point of this post? Oh yeah, Heavy Metal is not the defining term for bands like ‘Maiden, ‘Priest, or ‘Witch(not Skeleton, but Angel).

I’m sure they were important at some time or another.

 I cannot accept this at all. If I were a regular abuser of the term “Heavy Metal” it would be the umbrella genre under which Black, Death, Doom, Speed, Thrash, Symphonic, Power, some of the more intense Hard Rock, and even Nu-Metal to an extent, would go under. Not any band that sang about killing virgins, motorcycles, fire, sex, drinkin’ or dragons made of a virgin corpse orgy and motorcycles fueled by vodka. You get my point. Metal’s awesome, but calling a band Heavy Metal and only meaning a certain sound isn’t.

Too heavy for Heavy Metal.

Most will argue that Heavy Metal is anything before the subgenres were created, except for Sabbath, because Sabbath are so awesome they were Doom before Doom was even a though in Candlemass’ mind. Slayer, Metallica, all those greats managed to make it just as Thrash was being invented, thus being called Heavy Metal sometimes, but mostly agreed upon as Thrash Metal, which is fine. Venom’s Black Metal was barely Black metal at all, mixing Thrash and some Speed elements, which has earned it a good slap on the forehead to the tune of NWOBHM. Dammit Quorthon, you didn’t do it hard enough!

Pictured: The foundation of Black Metal, which isn’t Black Metal. DA FUQ!?

So I’ve danced around the point enough. Here it is: I will fight to the death anyone who argues that bands like Iron Maiden, Angel Witch, Manilla Road, Judas Priest, and Accept cannot be Power Metal. They have all the elements: Vocalists with pipes to rival the greater classical singers, speed, aggression, harmony, fantastical lyrics, fucktastically awesome album covers, and every modern Power Metal band takes their cues from them. Isn’t that evidence enough that what most people call “Heavy Metal” is usually just Power Metal? I like to bitch about how the words themselves are like nails on a chalkboard, and that even typing it makes me want to hurt myself, butthe greater crime is being too lazy to categorize old bands properly on the basis that it was too early for all the modern elements and yadda yadda yadda. I call it how I see it. Motörhead is Groove Metal, Iron Maiden is Power Metal, Slayer is Thrash, and so on. Heavy Metal will never die, and make sure it stays that way. Keep your subgenres in check, and cheers, fuckers.

Dysentery and Suffocation makes for a painful weekend, part 2

And we’re back. Cocks!

Never drive to New York during a Yankees/Red Sox game, or during a parade, or ever. In fact, don’t go or live there if you can help it. Traffic is shittier than a portapotty in a compost heap. But as for the show, it was pretty damn good. I missed Forrest Gump Mile High Marathon, but hey, stupid is as stupid does. HEYOOOOOO!!!

Humanity Falls

I like these guys. And their vocalist is also a brownie. I hadn’t given them a listen before the show, but now I kinda wish I did because I would’ve gotten a couple more pits going.

Mutant Supremacy

Derp

While these guys were good, and got more crowd reactions than Humanity, they didn’t hold my attention too much, so I went over to Suffo’s merch table, shook hands with Terrance Hobbs and got a poster, and didn’t do much aside from watch them play their hearts out. They did well, just didn’t captivate me too much.

Misery Index

You know those bands that you see and you don’t know many songs by them, but you go nuts anyway because they’re that damn good? Misery Index is one of those. I only have the Overthrow EP, and I’m not even sure if they played anything from it, but I did my fair share of stomping around anyway. Rawk!

Suffocation

WHARRGARBL

I think I needed some pain meds, but I skipped out on them. Fuck, they’re awesome. Once again, they didn’t play Abomination Reborn, so fuck you guys, but I still love you. Seeing Suffo in their hometown was certainly a treat, though. New York hospitality brutality at its finest. Satan bless, and cheers, fuckers.

Those squiggles are everyone but Frank Mullen… I’ll get’cha!

Dysentery and Suffocation makes for a painful weekend, part 1

By golly, I can’t remember the last time a weekend was so awesome. I really wish my computer weren’t currently being fixed, or I’d have silly pictures to share, but that’ll have to come later. I spent it at my “father” Rj’s house with my “brother” Matt and “mother” Jaci. So yes, I spent it with my metal family. Awesome.

Willing suspension of disbelief: I was birthed by these two

The silliness began with the fact that the Dysentery and friends “birthday” show took place in a church. Praise the lord, and throw the fuck down.

Before I Had Wings

Complete with a xTUFFx arm folder


They’re not bad, but definitely nothing special. My main gripe with them is that they encouraged some unruly behavior, and that they robbed the better bands of perfectly good set time, playing 40 minutes when they should’ve only had 15. They get an angry fist shake from me.

Abnormality

Simone from Cerebral Bore has a sister, and she’s adorable!

Slamming Tech Death, can you dig it? I sure can. I hadn’t listened to them before the show, so I wasn’t quite up to date as far as their sound, just that they’re recognized for their brutality and the fact that they’re featured on Rock Band 2 as a bonus track. Their vocalist is quite energetic, and will shove a 200 pound black guy with no problems. Hawt.

Composted

Silly Slam just got silly

Composted may be humor based and occasionally whip out some ridiculous costumes, but they truly are dedicated musicians and seasoned entertainers. With members hailing from various bands such as Sexcrement, Terminally Your Aborted Ghost, and Strappado, none of these guys are newbies aside from bassist Tim Chang, who’s pretty darn good. They’ve undergone some line-up changes but remain tighter than a virgin’s cunt before the entrails are ripped from them. This set was lacking in Doggie Dos, which will be a Composted classic as they begin putting out more releases, but it was still a great set, showcasing Brass (Moose) Knuckles, Sausage Cathedral, Phallus Palace, Slit’N’Slide, and BB(W)Q. Boom, muthafucka.

This Name’s Taken

Criminal Justice, Breakdowns, Battlestar Galactica

To be honest, these guys bored the living hell out of me, but props to their guitarist Nick for wearing a Skeletonwitch shirt. They, like BIHW, seemed to take a little too long with their set, or maybe it was the fact that I didn’t enjoy them very much that made it feel like a grind.

Stairwell Sea

Life sucks when you have glasses

Jazzy Post-Hardcore would be the best way to describe these guys. They’ve got mad skills, and are quite a bit older than they sound, having their name from Warsynium, the name they took when they formed a long ass fuckin’ time ago. Definitely enjoyed them a bit more than TNT.

Dysentery

My brother is not the best merch salesman


Due to BIHW being time hogs and the church closing at 11-ish, Dysentery’s set had been drawn and quartered, leaving them only 10 minutes to bring down the haus. I must say, they had the quickest set-up ever, possibly under three minutes, and immediately got to slamming the holy fuck out of the place. Many silly dances were done, much change was picked up, and my shirt had a naked caveman on it. ‘Twas an evening to remember.

I’ll make a whole nother post about the Suffocation show in another post, because my ADD is acting up and it took hours to finish this. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must remove some mucus from my head.

Deftones and Dillinger Escape Plan at the House Of Blues

I kinda missed good ol’ House Of Blues. It is the place my Metal show-ginity was taken by In Flames, Between The Buried And Me, 3 Inches Of Blood, and The Faceless, so it does carry a certain degree of nostalgia. At the same time, I dreaded it due to danger of getting stuck upstairs because of HoB’s tendency to give you the wrong section when you paid to mosh, but asking to see some merch and 15 minutes of paranoia about getting caught and sent back upstairs, and you’re golden.

“Oh this shirt? Yeah I just tossed it on. No biggie.”

Having not gone since the Cool Tour last summer, I figured since one of my all-time favorite bands and one that I really like are playing, I may as well get my ass down there at all costs. I even got my ticket in advance and paid all the necessary fees because it was that damn critical. I’m not gonna go on a tangent about how much of a role Deftones have played in shaping my musical identity, so I’ll just say they’re HUGE in my eyes.

First up was some odd Post-Punk/Alt Rock band that sounds like  U2, Snow Patrol, Kings Of Leon, The Killers, and Coldplay collected some sperm and gave it instruments. Pretty okay, but best for cheesy dancing and pissing off hardcore people by parodying their Chainsaw, Change Pickup, and Pulling Down Stars moves. Their name is also Funeral Party, who no one knew until they got home and googled it and found out it’s not just a The Cure song, should probably tour with more bands that sound like them.

Kings Of Leon Funeral Party: Coming To A Rawk Station Near You

I had never seen Dillinger, but I have listened to them quite a bit and I can honestly say that if you don’t respect their seemingly random and off-time rhythms, you don’t like music. Sure the screaming might be off-putting for non-metal/hardcore people, but it takes a badass brain to be able to precisely pull off the gymnastics of Dillinger’s most intense and mathematical songs. One thing I loved was that while there was hardcore dancing, I didn’t feel like I had to constantly be on the lookout for some asshole that had a bone to pick with the surrounding air so great as to endanger the lives of women and children the next town over. In short, I got to skank to Milk Lizard.

If you’re not familiar with Deftones, do yourself a favor and get acquainted. You’ll like them a lot. And that’s probably an understatement. They’re one of those bands that have something for everyone. They have the aggressive rap-metal, the crooning ballads, hard rockin’ goodness, and uplifting soul cleansing harmonies. They’re just about perfect. Except for Pink Cellphone.

Nothing spells metal like A.D.I.D.A.S.

Bassist Chi Cheng has been in a coma for nearly 3 years, and while still not officially replaced, there’s a random white guy playing bass, and he’s pretty damn good, I must say. Chino is just as charismatic as I expected, if not more so, and quite the jokester. Helps that he’s got a bit of an urban touch to his speech patterns. Stephen Carpenter’s face was a no-show, and believe me, if you had a mane and beard nearly as grizzly, you’d have the same issue. Luckily he’s got his guitaring so down pat he could play if blinded. Programmer/keyboardist Frankie Delgado kinda stood in the background and did his thing peacefully, but his contribution to Deftones is great nonetheless. Drummer Abe was a beast as usual, pounding away at them skins(and I’m not talking about pork). The band was a well oiled machine. Or at least the type of machine that’s good at audience interaction and not just doing its job soullessly.

For it to be an absolutely perfect set, they’d have to play all their albums back to back, and that’s just impossible, but with the amount of material they were able to play which included crowd favorites, new songs, and some lesser known, every album was represented, and every fan’s thirst for awesome quenched. Fuckin’ A.

This should be your favorite song

After failing to find my buds after the show and being pretty much shooed away by House Of Blues security, I bought an obviously bootleg tour shirt from a guy on the street, but the funny thing is it’s more awesome than the ones the bands were officially selling… It happens, I guess. Until next time, dis shit is OVAH!

Christinsanity

If you know me well enough, you’ll know I’m not very fond of organized religion. To me, it’s kind of stupid. While yes, it made everything great today possible due to some good ol’ fashioned raping and pillaging, I can imagine the present would be a little better without it… unless Metal hadn’t been created. OH NOES!

Before inverted crosses were cool, Metal had those things.

Enough on that, I’m here to rant about Christianity in particular. To me, it’s a fancy cult based on celestial bodies and stolen bits of other religions. For instance, take Jesus.

Long hair? Metal Horns? Sullen face? Beard? Metalhead.

Pretty damn iconic, and only unknown to people in the most remote places on Earth and to the kids in Supersize Me. Now here’s Zoroaster, the deity behind Zoroastrianism, which is impossible to say 7 times fast with a mouth full of Wonder Bread.

He was also a real dude. Kinda like Buddha.

He’s got the whole Jesus thing going on just from a glance. Aside from the lack of hippie sandals and the headcloth, he’s most likely the archetype upon which Jesus was built. And they made him Jewish.

Also, psychoactive drugs.

You didn’t smoke joints, you inhaled the fumes of burning acacia bushes and talked to them!

Not to mention the insanity that takes place in the parts of the Bible your average Baptist preacher will ignore and not read to your kids in Sunday school, like these damn near porn tidbits.

Ezekiel 23:20 — There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

Yep. Some crazy shit happens, and while lots of killing and sexy rapey activity goes on in the Old Testament, it’s mostly ignored because it’s… old. ‘The fuck? Isn’t this God’s word, and he’s supposed to be perfect in every way and whatever he says goes? Go here for further reading, as I’m no expert. Funny thing is, it’s Atheists who find this shit out.

So what is organized religion if not a mechanism using fear and a mystical sky faerie to get what is percieved to be willful obedience to a higher power? A glorified Santa Clause, bitches.

INRI is now SCRE. Figure it out for bonus points!

If you’re not familiar with the Santa Clause/God argument, here it is.

Santa is always watching you. He’s keeping track of all your activities. If you’re good, you are rewarded, but if you are bad or don’t believe, you are punished.

Most “rational” people say Santa Clause is a myth, but still believe in God and will hatefuck you with a barbed wire tree if you dare suggest otherwise. Compare old St. Nick with God.

God is always watching you. He’s keeping track of all your activities. If you are good, you are rewarded with eternal life, but if you are bad or don’t believe, you burn in a pit/wander in nothingness for eternity/are obliterated, depending on if you’re a believer in standard hell, weird hell, or annihilation. In the same way that you’re good simply to appease a man you don’t ever see but promises you great things, you’re just earning brownie points with the cosmic overlord to guarantee your acceptance into the high profile golf/tennis club with all white uniforms I imagine heaven to be.

Heaven: A beautiful waste of space for the fearful and obedient

Comedian Doug Stanhope hits the nail on the head in this here video.

“If Death leads you to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt? Because you’re just not sure.”

Christianity kind of makes me think of survey sites that give you points for referring your friends. Kind of like Evangelists who believe their sole purpose is to turn people to Christ. Like I said, all just kissing up to the guy in the sky who just might not be there. Christians are strange creatures. They thank this God person for everything: The good, and the bad. They see the death of a loved one or identity theft as a test from God. What in the green hell? You’re crazy, get help. Bad things happen because people are hardwired to be dicks, not because God wanted to see if you were tough enough to play tennis with him forever.

Yet another link, because this post is linktastic! God Is Imaginary, show it to your mother and RUN LIKE HELL.

Sorry if this post is kind of all over the place and not really focused, but it’s not a 7 page essay with a three point question, so cheers fuckers!

Religion Is Hate. Religion Is Fear. Religion Is War. Religion Is Hate. Religion’s Obscene. Religion’s A Whore.