Metal concerts are notorious for the perceived level of violence that occurs, and that’s all well and good. What better way to get your frustrations out than playing a demented version of Ring-Around-The-Rosy set to violent music as opposed to merry children’s voices? Is it not fun to shove your nearest longhair playfully but very very hard into the three girls behind him? Is being carried the front of a venue to be rescued by security guards not the greatest rush of all?
These things are fun, until some asshole breaks the rules. I’ve got some right here, and follow them, ya cunts, or I will get you!
I. Thou Shalt Not Crowdkill
Ever seen that guy going around swinging for no goddamn reason, gets his ass knocked down, and then gets pissy about justice being served? That’s a crowd killer. Mind your face.
II. Thou Shalt Not Bring Your Beer Into The Pit
I will never understand the logic behind bringing a beer into the part of a venue that’s normally the designated pit space, then getting confrontational about someone supposedly being to blame for their cup being a little less beery for reasons not related to consumption. Anyone with a basic understanding of fluid dynamics knows that elbow + cup full of liquid = Liquid not in the mouth that commanded the arm on the adjoining body to shell out 4 bucks for said liquid. Fuck.
III. Thou Shalt Not Bringeth Thy Wench Into The Battle Periphery
There are advantages to bringing your girl to a metal show, even if she’s not really as into it as your hairy, troglodytic, unibrow sportin’ ass, which include making out and not feeling awkward seeing others all up on their beboobed trophies. But dammit if you’re gonna let out your claws if a circlepit dares even graze the shoulders of your cum sponge, maybe you should retreat deeper into the crowd, eh? Unless she can handle it or likes to get into the action, don’t hang around the Elbow-In-Face zone.
IV. Thou Shalt Be Understanding Of Thy Neighbor And Not Be A Jerkass
It’s a crazy environment, and I can’t watch all angles of intense skullduggery, so if someone accidentally pushes me into the wench you brought into the Elbow-In-Face zone, clearly defying Commandment III § 2, then don’t get mad at me, ya cuntmuffin! I can’t decide what my trajectory will be. When I’m hit from the left, I normally fly to the left, to the left. Ah fuck, more headbanging is required to get whatever that is out of my memory.
V. Thou Shalt Not Stagedive Repeatedly In The Same Spot
I’ve nothing against stage diving, and a well placed one can be damn awesome, but if it’s a small venue and there’s a small area, and you’re that one guy who jumps off the same spot thrice, it gets old. Fucking stop.
VI. Thou Shalt Not Practice Wu-Shu At The Trve Metal Show
My stance on Hardcore dancing is simple: I don’t mind if it’s done at a Hardcore, Deathcore, Metalcore, or Post-Hardcore show. Hell even Slam, sure, go for it. But if it’s a Thrash, Black, Death, or Folk Metal, I’m sure you’ll understand that I don’t want kids drowning in air around me and attacking the nearby buoys, and being human beings, buoys don’t enjoy being hit. That made zero sense. Moving on.
VII. Thou Shalt Not Trip Or Shove People Who Are Enjoying A Fine Circle Pit
You’re a dick. Next rule.
IX. Thou Shalt Not Play Human Pinball
There’s a pit for a reason. Most people are on the outer edge looking in, and some are in it. If they don’t want to be in it, stop running around making chords on the circle, and geometrically join the perimeter, you douche. People tend to get angry when 200+ pounds of man meat collides with them and their Commandment 2 Breaker out of nowhere like an alpaca on a 5 year old.
X. Thou Shalt Have A Good Time, Dammit
When you’re at a metal show, look happy or at least just neutral, not all steamed up about something. Chances are, if you’re at a metal show, you like at least one of the bands there, so enjoy it for chrissake. Yes, you can be mad if someone decides to Judo chop you in the collarbone, but to seethe with rage for the entire night isn’t the wisest choice. Find him and take him out or sing Hakuna Matata at the top of your lungs in your best Halford shriek. Just be glad you’re not some miserable hipster. Cheers, fuckers. I’m thirsty.