Stop Having Children!

Seriously. STOP IT. And look at this.

Alright, fools, here’s the meat of it. I’m not having kids. Why should I? Kids are expensive, writhing, oozing bundles of flesh, continually effluent and gross all around. Fuck them, seriously.

The face of repugnance.

I wouldn’t mind babies so much if they’d SHUT THE FUCK UP. I know their little underdeveloped brains can’t understand, but they must realize that making loud noises in situations where that’s the opposite of appropriate
makes them an asshole, right? Fuck. If only killing them in the womb weren’t a crime in most places, because it’d be  done  more often, and for the greater good of man!

I know, this is an angry rant post. Go away.

Sure they’re cute and all, but is that an excuse to deal with one and have them become a financial burden that contributes literally nothing and consumes literally everything? Don’t we have enough cute people running around already? What’s one or two more? Why have 8 kids when you can barely afford one? I know sex ed isn’t everywhere, but surely you can find other ways to get some release without saying “Welp, I’ll just stick it in and hope nothing within the range of 8 pounds doesn’t come out a few months later!” Even worse are the kinds that do this shit on purpose! AHHHH! You exist!? FUCK! GO BURN! Stop spreading your vile genes! We don’t need more rabbit people!

I’m not sure who lost: Humanity or the dorks that must have sex with one another every 9 months out of obligation more than pleasure.

It’s just plain selfish to have a kid these days. I’m gonna go ahead and say that. Why do you NEED a damn kid? So you won’t be alone when you’re old and wrinkly? Want them to pay for everything when they’re the President or the Astronaut-Ninja-Fireman-Police Officer hybrid they drew up in kindergarten? Here’s a damn solution.

KILL YOURSELF. There’ll be plenty of company in Heck.

If you’re already pregnant, can’t handle a child, and abortion’s illegal where you live, put the damn thing up for adoption. I give not a fuck if the family is unfit, let the trauma sink in when the kid’s old enough to know who Jeffery Dahmer is and go on a spree. That’ll cut down our numbers a tiny bit by the time they’re arrested, but it’s something. I love when humans die. Don’t you? Frees up room on the train. I’m a horrible person.

Mein Held!

Hopefully you knew I was just fuckin’ with you. It’s terrible when people die, and it’d be cruel to say we should start another Holocaust. Way to backpedal, me! But for fuck’s sake, STOP HAVING KIDS. This nail just gets further driven into my skull every time I’m in a place that’s moderately quiet and some attention whore toddler busts into hysterics because their mom isn’t forfeiting their favorite toy after they were being a cunt. Teach your kid early on to not be a cunt and we can move on. Better yet, don’t have the stupid thing.

What’s with our irresistible need to be parents? News Flash to you breeders: Biology’s tendency to make us hump each other can be just for fun as well! Missionary in the name of procreation is a wrongful act and should be banned like sodomy way back then. As a matter of fact, take up sodomy when possible. Stop doing it right and start doing it wrong. Humans ruin everything. I’m sure that BP oil spill wouldn’t have happened if dinosaurs ruled the earth. Not that I’m an animal supremacist or a general person-hating vegan, but I think the world would be a bit better without us, as we’ve proven ourselves time and time again to be irresponsible with this pale blue dot of ours. Click this, please. I won’t stop till you do.

Seth Putnam that ho!

Think of it this way, breeders: You have no idea how your kid’s gonna turn out, and you’ll probably end up disappointed anyway. Serial killers don’t necessarily have to come from abusive histories. Take Robert Yates for example. No abuse, but he killed 16 women anyway. He’s gangsta.

Parents will also in some way try to mold their child into what they want. Take for example any comedy show where the dad tries to put a baseball glove or a football helmet on a kid. How many times does that work? FUCKING NEVER. You’ll do something less ridiculous of course, and possibly more subtle, like try to steer them towards math so they can become a corrupt businessman and rake in millions. You suck and you should’ve gotten a coathanger in the sweetspot.

“My Mom Shoulda Swallowed!”

I know what you’re thinking: If people follow your advice we won’t have a promising young generation! Well fuck you, you’re probably not even gonna live to see that one grow up. Stuff happens, and with each successive generation we become more entrenched in our own self-righteous and belligerent entitlement complex, where we make promises we can’t keep. Someone should’ve told Adam and Eve that inbreeding was not okay, because we’re all retarded. If you have a kid, there’s more of a chance it’ll end up homeless and destitute, a killer, or just another mindless drone rather than a stand-out individual making a mark on society. Put on a damn condom, or take a birth control pill. I don’t want your stupid kid crying next to me on the bus and becoming famous for decapitating every blonde woman he meets in 18 years. I would get a vasectomy, but I’m too scared it’ll disfigure/hurt me… Yeah I’m a bitch, get over it, you are too.

Japan has sorta been the poster boy for population decline, citing figures such as an age gap and too much bukkakke porn(ok that second one may be made up) as reasons for less birthing. All I can say is: THE STEREOTYPE IS TRUE! THE JAPANESE ARE GENIUSES! Now world, follow Japan and we can loosen our grip on poor  Mother Earth. Incestual rape porn is a niche market not worth wasting money on advertising to. Cheers, fuckers, to !The Obliteration Of Humanity! And no fucking to have kids, or I’ll find you.

Save the Earth, and help eradicate mankind gradually.

 WATCH US GROW LIKE A DEMENTED CHIA PET. WE ARE LEGION. WE WILL NOT DEVOUR YOUR FIRSTBORN, BUT BIRTH THEM. GLORP

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One response to “Stop Having Children!

  1. You know, I was reading a lot about infanticide and then learned about intrauterine cannibalism (which is a bad apparently). It’s all very creepy but interesting.

    Also, breeders are retarded. I hate them

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