Kids Shows These Days

Yes, I still watch them. Don’t judge, I bet you do to, and besides, nothing’s on when you don’t have cable. Now here’s my bitch, each show gets one, some good, some cringeworthy. some of them teach you stuff, others just make you want to get a professional critic job so you can give them a professional thumbs down. Professionally. So pro. I’d been putting off posting about this for a while, but since I’m full of Cheerios, let’s go.

Sesame Street

Pictured: FALSE PROMISES! And a fairy cunt. And a pink magic thing with wings and a wand. HAH

There once was a time when one could admit to liking this show under the basis of it being amusing, educational, and a stand-out amongst its “For You To Watch With Your Kids When Bored Or Alone With A Bowl Of Cereal” ilk. It had short, funny segments, bordering on bizarre, but you learned how to count to 17 or something because of a vampire. That’s all gone now. Who the fuck is Murray? Why does he have a ridiculous overbite? Where the fuck have Big Bird, Snufaluffagus, and The Count gone? Why do Bert and Ernie get a claymation segment? Yes. Clay. Fucking. Mation. Ah. I could go on and on about how this Sesame Street’s gone down the corporate shitter, but I’m moving on before this becomes an entire man-child rant against an old show.

Yu-Gi-Oh!

It’s like Pokémon, but the monsters are fake. Also, serious fucking business, khed.

I won’t lie, I used to love the shit out of Yu-Gi-Oh. I used to tune in weekly to see the exciting conclusions of duels(which I swear, seem to last about 5 episodes. AT LEAST) between good and evil, good and annoying, and annoying and evil. But then it all got real stupid real fast. I was fine with the adventures of Yugi and his perpetually in trouble friends, seeing them use the power of fake monsters and some of THE most advanced holograms this side of fantasy/sci-fi, but when Yugi stopped being a character in the story, it started to go downhill. Aside from the fact that you wonder why people don’t just beat the shit out of someone who’s being an asshole rather than bet on “the heart of the cards”, the story had nothing more to go on. Yu-Gi-Oh GX was so snoozeworthy, my body subconsciously kept me asleep when I tried to catch it. Hopefully they’d learn from their mistakes, right? WRONG, they went and made 5D’s, and while that’s fun for a while(duels on motorcycles? KOOL), it gets old really fast. Stardust Dragon’s not nearly as shiny the 50th time around. The trading card game? Don’t get me started on that. So many useless cards from years ago mingling with the new generation makes for a shitty deck, so you’ll have to buy what’s current(we’re talking shitload of booster packs and maybe a starter deck or two) if you want to even stand a chance against anything. Go home and think about what you did, Kazuki Takahashi.

Word Girl

“Hmm… Ass-to-ass double dildo action, you say?”

This is a breath of fresh air in a world where kids shows are more about being loud, annoying, and repetitive to get the “Herpderp I’m 2 years old and can’t eat anything without regurgitating it and chuckling” demographic that reigns in so much buck. This show is downright sophisticated, packed with clever 4th wall breakers, and is self-aware to the point that it could very well be a comedy show broadcasted for all ages. You may even learn a word or two. Jezebel.

Clifford The Big Red Dog

Taken moments before he rolled over, crushing everyone within a 6 foot radius.

It’s not the premise of a two story dog that makes me laugh derisively at this show, it’s just the sheer lack of carnage, mayhem, and destruction. Not that it would be compatible with the whole “Everyone Gets Along, And No One Gets Hurt Too Bad” formula that these shows follow, but it would be quite fun to see a house get flattened when Clifford up and does a ninja spring off of one. Whenever Clifford rolls over or runs, it seems to cause a 1.5 magnitude earthquake, or however much it takes to make people involuntarily leap. And what’s with the rape of the laws of physics going on here? In one episode Mr. Bleekman, a portly fellow, somehow managed to ride on a painting like it was a magic carpet shortly before surfing on it, and the painting was perfectly fine, even though he had painted it not 2 minutes before he was taken on a magickal journey around the shores of Birdwell Island. Fuck, you’ll need some vodka if you think as hard as me about this stuff. And why can these dogs perfectly understand English? Why are Cleo and T. Bone’s barks so fucking annoying!? Argh.

Between The Lions

I don’t know why either.

Another one of those shows I like. It’s funny, teaches you stuff(mainly phonics and spelling of simple words, shit like that), and it’s got lions. Fucking lions are cool, dude. Noticing how the shows I like get shorter reviews? Yeah me neither.

Curious George

….Hot monkey dick.

I like this one too, but I must fear for the day George becomes feral and non-serviam. He’s dangerously smart, and sometimes even speaks a simple word here and there, insofar as a word can be made out of monkey chatter. He’s mere years away from euthanization for crimes against The Man In The Yellow Hat With A Name That Must Not Be Disclosed For Fear Of Ruined Childhoods Everywhere. And why does TMITYHWANTMNBDFFORCE trust George with so much stuff knowing that he screws up at least twice an episode on the first attempt? Humanity is doomed. DOOMED.

Dragon Ball Z Kai

Because bloody violence is 4Kids!

Dragon Ball Z pretty much made me who I am, so I can’t hate this show, but I must say that it does little or nothing to add to what the show already was. It looks a bit sleeker, sure, and omitted some unnecessary 5 minute charge-up scenes that plague the 80s original(seriously, it seemed like some episodes were all about charging up!), but it’s the same shit, different year, with a shitty opening theme. They may as well have just released the original 80s with some editing to make it more malleable for the Saturday morning market and presto, awesome. Yeah, I should be paid to do this, hit me up for my paypal if you’re interested in donating to my er… cause.

Wild Kratts

Oh, wrong show? NO CARE. Bring back Zaboo and we’ll talk, bitches.

Magi-Nation

Smirkbeast, I choose you!

Aside from a random stab at teaching kids how waves work, this is just a random anime with a pretty damn rockin’ theme song that sounds like a cross between Trivium and something that Powerglove covered. Aside from that, the show uses too much poor animation and nauseating voice acting with laughable plots and characters. Fuck you.

Martha Speaks

The poignant, heartbreaking, and true story of a canine phone sex operator.

This is a show that, like Word Girl, is self-aware and likes to poke fun at itself. It is based in reality, aside from being like Clifford in that dogs somehow understand every word humans speak, but that just adds to the fun. The best moments include the standard in-show defining of words in which at least one person an episode will say “I know what that means!” indignantly as kind of a nod to the older viewers who have a vocabulary bigger than a 5th grader’s. The theme song’s damn catchy too.

Spongebob Squarepants

What do you mean it wasn't made on drugs?

This is stupid good. And by stupid good, I mean stupid good. With plenty of dirty jokes snuck in here and there, and balls-to-the-wall hilarity in the form of brain goop distilled to become the plot of one of the most beloved shows among kids and college stoners alike. If you don’t like Spongebob, you’re homophobic. End of story.

I think I’ve embarrassed myself enough. Cheers, fuckers.

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