Wacky Band Wednesday: Melt Banana

These guys make me taste the color yellow and hear keyboards on motorcycles. It’s insane, man. Melt-Banana will ruin your mind and left beef. It’s an experience I can only describe by matching their absurdity. Pelican.

Nothing sketchy going on, he’s just Japanese.

Melt-Banana are an experimenta rock/spaz/grindcore band from Japan, so you can just call them J-Rock if you like. They’re bananas. Batfuck insane. They can smell Norway from a Sharpie. And they’re damn good at making noise. Vocalist Yasuko squeaks, screams, raps, shouts, and occasionally, sings her way through the chaotic police-state/acid-trippy turntable soundscape created by guitarist Ichirou. The only seemingly normal part of this sexcapade is the bass, played by Rika, which takes on a funky tone and is the only thing vaguely musical much of the time, what with the blips, bleeps, and scratches coming from the guitars and the adorably caustic vocals. Not to mention the drumming, combining blastbeats, jazzy “rhythms”, and thrashy violence. There is no constant drummer, so they just rotate between session drummers, guests, and tour assistance. You follow?

It’ll make you shit yourself backwards listening to an entire album’s worth of this. MxBx are crazy like that most of the time, yes, but they do have their moments of accessibility that borders on poppy, like their cover of Beach Boys’ Surfin’ USA and If It Is The Deep Sea, I Can See You There. Yes their song titles are very Engrish. WHY CAN’T I HAVE A LOVELY FIGHTING?

Oh the humanity. Gelatin.

Operation Boston Storm: Mass Destruction Festival At The Middle East Downstairs

Ahoy there, and a merry fuck you! Last time I was at the Middle East, I saw Lights, and being an Indie/Electropop artist, of course there was no pitting, but I wore my Emperor shirt anyway. Y’know. Just in case.

As much as I love her, she can’t make the keytar cool. No one can.

So it had been a while, and Mass Ave is nothing to fuck with. That is one LONG avenue. It extends from normal Boston to Cambridge and once you cross the bridge the address numbers reset, because apparently they seceded and are a completely different city entirely. Yeah. I got a show to review, you putz, and it was free due to the magic of getting there early and having buddies on the backstage crew. It’s all arcane and you could lose an arm trying to do it, so don’t. And all thanks go to a certain Buddy Teifert for putting this shit together somehow. Probably with more magick.


Only one daywalker among the lot of them.

Before I talk about how they performed, I just need to give a swollen thumbs up to bassist/Black Metally vocals guy Jon for wearing a Jesus Is A Cunt shirt. Takes BALLS, man. BALLS.

Or an ass like dat.

Scourge blend Thrash, Black, Death, and a smattering of Groove to make a potent brand of metal that’s hard to define, but pretty damn cool. They opened with an instrumental cover of Metallica’s For Whom The Bell Tolls, which kinda got me scared because it could mean one of two things: Scourge is a Metallica cover band or they’re painfully midpaced. Luckily it was neither, so it set a good bar for the rest of the bands. Go listen to the God Is Not Here EP, be fruitful, and multiply.


Bassface Obscura

Nigeria Naegleria are one of Mass’ few Slam bands that Blue hasn’t stuck his dick in yet, but do well despite the lack of ol’ Caterpillar Brows, though to compensate, bassist Jake looked positively Amon Amarthy, having wheaty gold hair, a bushy beard and an Amon Amarth shirt on. Awesome.

The name of the song alone makes it amazing

Named after a brain-eating amoeba that enters through the nose, they’re obviously not a Grunge band. Writing and performing songs with the themes of sex(obv), disease(painfully obv), and senile senior shotgun massacres(not so obv) is not as easy as some might think. Watching their performance(which was short one guitarist), you notice a lot of subtle nuances that you wouldn’t think come with slam. It’s some complex shit, khed. Not to say that it’s über technical, but  it’s certainly a few leagues above Wigger Slam. The lyrics are also reportedly more sensible than others in the genre, but I’ll just take their word on that. Being a band of their calibre, the surprisingly lethargic crowd left much to be desired. This is music to kill people to folks, not spectate calmly! I chalked it up to the earliness of the set. Big mistake.

Smite The Righteous

“Wow, she really showed her tits!”

If you’re a regular player of the Genre Guessing Game, you’d almost want to assume Metalcore due to the three+ word rule, but put your half-baked assumptions aside and make way for Technical Death Metal. It won’t go down as the absolute greatest set in history, sure, but they kept it entertaining, tossing out condoms with stickers saying Eat A Fat Penis Kid and a slightly modified STR logo featuring Fetus instead of Rigtheous.

They may come in black, but they don’t come in Black…

Can’t really say much about their set aside from the fact that there were two vocalists, and one of them had apparently not been a part of the live performance for some time and was forgetting some of his lyrics, which added to the fun of the show where it wouldn’t be quite as fun if Scar Symmetry had done it.

“So can a fan who’s not dead drunk or stupid take Lars’ place?” 

Hope Before The Fall

“Can I get a collective fist pump from mah bros?”

To be honest, a lively crowd would have made this set a bit more fun. Meh-talcore becomes a bit more exciting when you have an audience that’s not an oil painting. Even a Chelsea Grin performance becomes an experience when there’s a gaggle of dancers. HBTF may have just hit the wrong venue for such a show, because they did play some nice breakdowns, and had some okay choruses, but weren’t mindblowing. I won’t exactly love it if they open up at a future show, but if  there’s a more willing group of ruffians, there could very well be aerobics.


Definitely not an A at the end there.

Almost forgot about these guys. I’d never heard  of them up until I asked them who they were, having not seen their logo anywhere on the flyer. Just a surprise touring act from Minnesota as usual, eh? They were pretty good, but could’ve used a bit more variation between songs. I guess you have to be a fan to differentiate between different songs when it comes to Brutal Death Metal, so I won’t knock ’em, as they did their job well.


“Goddammit Blue, what’d I say about photobombing?”

Oooh they touch my tra-la-la. Mmmm. My ding-ding-dong. So I guess they can take the “Searching for 2nd guitarist” add-on off their myspace, seeing as ex-Composted weedler Jimmy Roher is now on tapping duty for this bacon flavored bunch. They played Babypaste, Leave It To Cleaver, and stuff I didn’t know, but what really made this set was 1) Watching the sheer technicality, 2)Watching OuchDrummer Jimbo pound away at his kit with a big ol’ goofy smile, and 3) THERE WERE PITS! Granted, it was only me and a couple other guys jovially pushing one another, but it was something, dammit. Like being sex starved and having someone stare at your penis for 5 minutes. It works. Weirdly.

Infinite Descent

I’m fighting hard not to make a Grrrl reference here.

I just got a little distracted by the mathematical theorem and actually paused to read about it briefly, so blah.

Infinite Descent easily had the largest crowd of the night, so I’m guessing the rumors that they don’t play often and this would be their last show weren’t complete speculation. If their business cards(yes, business cards) were to be trusted, they play an epic sort of Progressive Metal. While I didn’t get much of a feel for the Epic part of their performance, they certainly do bring the Prog and the Metal. Think Into Eternity but without the harshness. No 20 minute songs, no ADD time signatures, just an apparent need to keep songs going and explore new territory throughout their course. Further investigation will need to be done, but bassist Phil for some odd reason made a run through the audience, wielding his instrument like a bayoneted musket, staying on the floor for 30 seconds, and running back on stage. I should’ve asked what happened there, but hey, the show went on without a hitch. Or was that a hitch? What is “a hitch” anyway? Oh well, I got myself an inflatable flail out of this. For ye uneducated, it’s a mace on a chain. Expect to be hit by it at the next Palladium show.


Sadly, no connection.

Ah, Necronomichrist, the controversialest local band I can think of. Maybe it’s the not-so-Christian friendly lyrical themes, their penchant for barbed wire wreaths and pentagrams made of nails, or the fact that their name is both blasphemous and brings up that no-good H.P. Lovecraft.

Or the crucified Muppet, Animal. Don’t fuck with him.

This set was a bit of a mixed bag. Necronomichrist plays chilling Blackened Death Metal with the help of keyboards, andwere apparently the only band worthy of a continuous pit, but the downside is that a drunken asshole was the main proponent of said pits. Luckily the security guards caught wind of the shenanigans and ejected him from the venue, allowing everyone to absorb the negative energy created by being super cool.


Darth Buddyous

I really should listen to more Nemecide. The only song I knew was Summon The Hydra-Yeti, which they played first, leaving me to just watch awkwardly for the rest of the set. I enjoyed their performance, and even a rather disobedient guitar cord that kept coming loose while poor little Buddy was trying to play didn’t stop them in their tracks. Mucho energy from Stephen, who had the mannerisms characteristic of a Hardcore vocalist, but it didn’t detract from the Melodic Blackened Death style that Nemecide employs. Must buy Incursion. Someday.

Thy Will Be Done

If you need Jesus, just ask for J. Costa.

Sadly TWBD didn’t capitalize on the major lulz that could’ve been earned from them pointing out that they, a Christian band were opening for a band that’s not quite so Christian, but nonetheless, it was a good show. This is a band I’d probably like a lot more if I discovered them 3 years ago as opposed to that night, blending Groove, Thrash, and Metalcore to make entry level Heavy Metal that won’t offend your mother or 15 year old brother. Once again, lack of crowd energy kinda killed what could have potentially been a very fun set, especially since it was near the end of the night and that’s when the crowd is the most souped up. Blame Cambridge once again. J. Costa has a habit of stage banter, but it’s the type that gets a few rounds of applause, and at least he was aware he was munching away at his band’s playing time. I wonder if he still has crumbs in his beard. And what a beard it is!

Vital Remains

Preaches abstinence and a drug-free lifestyle on Opposite Day

At last, the créme de la créme, Wily Coyote and the gang storm the stage and demand circle pits right the fuck now. And we, the willing minions, do not refuse the master’s orders. We ran the fuck around! Scott Wily could very well be Satan’s second mouthpiece. Why only second? Because Glen Benton’s the first, of course. Having officially replaced Glen both in studio and on stage, Scott Wily is certainly not fucking around when he asks for pits. Unlike others who may ask for some movement and give up if they see too many folded arms, Scott continues until at least two foolhardy young’uns are out there running track. Blasting through greats like Devoured Elysium, Hammer Down The Nails, and the almighty Dechristianize as the closer, where basically everyone I knew, myself, and Scott Wily’s lady friend jumped on stage to preach the death of the Sky Færie, had a tiny pit, and tried to avoid getting the signature spiked armbands in our faces. It was cool, to say the least.

I really need to stop multitasking while writing these things.

Have You Ever Been Truly Moist? Children Of Bodom at the Palladium

I was scared damn near pissless I wouldn’t make it to this show. Thank Pazuzu it didn’t sell out, because Children Of Bodom is a magnet for true Metalheads, poseurs, and random slores alike. They flock to wherever Sexy Alexi And Friends play, attempting to ruin everyone’s good time more than Bodom’s intermittently obvious and perpetual hangovers. Y’know what? Screw that noise, I love Bodom. For all their faults and entry-level appeal, they’re one of the reasons why I’m a mangy headbanging fuck today.

What measure is a non-sexy?


They’ll cut off your chonson.

German. Progressive. Death Metal. Three things that make Obscura great enough without the minor addition of playing mindblowing music. Hot Danke Schœn, what’s up with Germany and Melodic Tech Death? Fellow Germans Necrophagist’s ex-guitarist and drummer are in this band, so if that’s not a clear marker of quali-fuckin’-ty, I don’t know what is. They also have a new bassist as of very very recently who replaced the shorthair for reasons I don’t know, so now they’re even sexier, and the fretless is still groovin’.

This is what we hope outer space sounds like somewhere.

Opening with Septuagint was a genius decision on the part of Ob Of Scura. The pleasant acoustic intro served as a great forecast of the storm to come, and it came hard… Heh.. Anyhow, they blasted through the song with no remorse, even eschewing the clean vocals in favor of their normal bellows, which was a bit disappointing, but we all got over it. Of course, they played Anticosmic Overload, a staple in their set, and in the listening habits of anyone with taste in Metal. Needless to say, that circlepit was a big fat worm of hyper metalheads for all of two minutes before degrading into some rough shoving. Damn we love to shove. They also played Ocean Gateways, Vortex Omnivium, and Centric Flow to end their set. Apparently they were supposed to also play Desolate Spheres and at least one other song, but it got cut for the ‘Flesh. I ain’t complaining, as they sounded beautiful, as always. And they made Matt cry. Oh well, he’s vegan.


When you thought all Greeks were incessantly bare chested, bronze, and muscular.

 If post-ravaging murmurs ring true, then SepticFlesh are guilty of backtracking all but the drums, but fuck it, man, SepticFlesh rule, whether or not it was all lip-synched and the guitar volume so low that it didn’t make a difference whether they stood there or fiddled around semi-convincingly. Immediately following Obscura’s set there was a strange atmospheric track that sounded a bit like giant stones grinding together, slowed down to a hundredth of its speed. It was peculiar, but fine, because they have a flair for the dramatic. Said flair includes occasionally leaning away from the microphone instead of pretending to sing, but it’s all part of the show, I suppose.

Not much was played that I knew, just two off Communion, those being the title track and Persepolis. If memory serves correctly, the ‘Flesh somehow got us to do 3 separate Walls of Death during their 30-45 minute set. WHAT THE FUCK? Golf claps for that alone, you magnificent kebabs. They really know how to get the violence going, and my invisible orange/evil face out in full force.

Devin Townsend

He’s a Jedi, dont’cha know?

 This hoary ol’ chestnut’s been around the block and up and down the avenue. Twice. Devin Townsend Project is the third eponymous project this man’s embarked on, and I’m not even gonna list all the bands he’s produced for, guested with, and been in, because he’s an Attention Deficit Creativity monster. But he gets it done, and very well, at that.

Devin Townsend is ubiquitously hailed as the king of nerds in the Metal world, with his geeky voice and demeanor, his not-so-hidden love for sci-fi, and the ability to weave entire stories from seemingly nothing and make it awesome(a la Ziltoid). Yes, plenty of nerdy bands exist, like Wormed, Element, and Golem, but they’re still a bit too serious about their craft, and sorry to say, too po-faced to make it to Devy’s level of nerddom. And I bet none of them are nearly as fun live. Devin makes sure that even if you don’t know the song(which I didn’t for the last two), you’ll still have a blast. Where silly dancing and playing invisible Double Dutch might seem like an insult to any other band, Devin and co. embrace it, and if you’re not having fun at a Devin Townsend show, you’re not there. Having played On Your Command(complete with the 4th and final Wall Of Death for the night), Kingdom, and Supercrush, the set proved to be more fun than a barrel of monkey plushies. And they’re plush so they don’t bite off my nose or accidentally order 100,000 donuts.

If you were at that show and didn’t get told about the Meet’n’Greet with Devy in time, punch the nearest friend of yours in the face.


Children Of Bodom

The only band to this day brave enough to vacation in Clip Art.

I’m gonna go for a track-by-track and to the best of my exceedingly feeble memory. I love you, Bodom.

1. Not My Funeral – One of the few badass tracks on the new album in my humble opinion. It’s got some great melodies reminiscent of Hate Crew Deathroll, which was clearly enough to get the crowd at one another’s throats. And then I was reveling in the fact that Alexi Laiho was not but meters away from me. ❤

2. Bodom Beach Patrol – Out of all the songs they could play, I couldn’t believe they chose this. It’s one of Bodom’s most infections songs, and as soon as the opening drums kicked in, I immediately ran counterclockwise at the nearest sweaty man. By the way, we were all fuckin’ sweaty.

3. Needled 24/7 – Hooooly fuckin’ shiiiiiiit. It’s always great to go nuts to a song I pretty much grew up listening to, and that’s the truth. That pit got savage, and drunk. A guy that looked like a Carlito impersonator was kickin’ some serious ass. In a yellow flannel of all things.

4. In Your Face – Now this song had an interesting intro, where the band stepped off stage, police sirens sounded, and appropriately, blue and red lights flashed on stage. I had no idea what was coming next, and the band’s drunkenness was clearly showing at this point, but it’s all good, because it’s no secret Bodom likes their beer. So yeah, as soon as the song started, bodies hit the floor. It may not be their cleverest song lyrically, but goddamn is it fun.

5. Children Of Bodom – At this point I’m just roughly guessing the order, so bear with me. But yes, this is an oooold song, and the fans rejoiced, because it’s rare that a band will pull out something this crusty(though its crustiness is still shimmering, because it’s fuckin’ Bodom).

6. Living Dead Beat – Not really a favorite of mine, but a good song anyway.

7. Hate Me! – The song that propelled me to Bodomdom… ah sweet ambrosia, how I love to suckle thee. Not crowdsurfing was not an option, let’s just say.

8. Angels Don’t Kill – Is a pretty darn good song. To put it lightly. I yelled a lot during this one too.

9. Downfall – Waited all night for Bodom to showcase their long-discarded Neo-Classical abilities, and it finally came. Air violin was in order.

10. Was It Worth It? – Yes.

11. Are You Dead Yet? – No. Why are all these song names becoming questions now? Jokin’ aside, this song is fuckin’ awesome, and you’d be damned if you didn’t like this song, even if you hate Bodom and their fans to the core. Yeah it might have something to do with its infectious hooks and cleverly crafted licks that get stuck in your head for hours, forcing you to accept that it is part of your grey matter, but yeah, I guess it’s pretty cool. If memory serves, I think I got knocked on my ass pretty hard, but in the fun way where my whole body became a J, so it’s all well and good, and I’m masochistic in saying that I liked it.

12. Hate Crew Deathroll – The circle pit became morbidly obese and ate anything in its path, expanding almost unendingly until it burst and its hairy denizens were left to fend for themselves in a free-for-all that resulted in surprisingly little blood, considering a few Hate Crew members in the crowd throwin’ elbows. So, relatively pain free morning after, aside from a tiny bit of bangover in the upper neck area, but it’s the price one pays for glorious metal. And Bodom. Hah. I kid, Bodom’s just as metal as ever. Now what to do with their fans…


Archons, Anomalous, Beyond Creation, and Element. They Play Guitar Better Than You

So ’tis the night(day?) before Children Of Bodom, Devin Townsend, Obscura, and SepticFlesh, and I’m sweaty and discovering new music faster than Cryptozoologists discover ways to get paid for studying Cthulhu mythos. I’m a busy busy bee. And a pirate. So let’s delve into the realms of delicious TechDeath mindfuckery I’ve been immersing myself in like human waste, only less E. Coli infested and more woodly doodly deedly meedly.


You can always tell who’s taking the band seriously by length of hair and facial expression.

So, Archon is a cool band, I’m finding. They’re Melodic Death Metal, but don’t let that scare you away, because it’s only words. Words that have lost their meaning as of late due to the 2007-2008 invasion of Zerg Rush proportions, where Metalcore bands all insisted they were Melodic Death Metal and truly fans of the At The Gates that wasn’t that one song. Yes, these guys are good, and not Metalcore. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

And they’re Canadian, so that makes them awesome by default. Unless they’re Three Days Grace. Might wanna check that.


The three metalhead moods: Pensive, Serious, and Giddy

Element is quite the beast. Their(or “his” now) debut Aeons Past is basically a Death Metal version of Ayreon, in that it’s a concept album about people migrating from some planet to another, complete with an extraterrestrial wasteland as the album art, so it’s all there, with the minor addition of Technical Death Metal. But rest assured, it’s nerdy as fuck. In a way.

The newer outputting, The Energy, however, is like a different band entirely, having eschewed two of the three members, leaving one(I’m assuming bald) guy standing to create a chill and spacey  yet intense Progressive Death Metal album all by himself. He did a pretty good jerb, and while the intensity has been lowered significantly, and the brutal trimmings dispensed with almost entirely, we have a Cynic/later Decrepit Birth/Augury without acoustics soup that’s magically delicious and not quite as brutal, to say the least.


Operating on a strict No Mustache, No Cash policy.

If you haven’t heard of the almighty drumlord Marco Pitruzzella and think his last name is some kind of Italian dish involving melted cheese, stand at attention and know that he’s been responsible for many a bruised drum kit. The guy knows his way around a couple sticks and a snare, and that’s putting it lightly. Why should you care? Well if you’re reading this, you’ll know that Metal comes down to the quality of the drumming. You can form a metal band with no vocalist, no guitarist, and no bassist, but you MUST have a drummer. It’s one of the few things us opinionated asshats agree on: You need a stickman. Anomolous, like Brain Drill, Vital Remains, The Faceless, and Vörnagar, have been lucky enough to pick up this plucky drummer boy for a full-length after releasing an EP entitled Cognitive Dissonance with only the company of a drum machine and presumably, lots of speed enhancing drugs because these fucks can shred.

Not entirely content to just rip your face off, this band also has a knack for incorporating soothing passages that delicately graft it neatly back where it should be, only to repeat the process later. Taking influence from Ion Dissonance, Meshuggah(mainly in the vocals), Beneath The Massacre, Cynic, and Brain Drill(derp), they’re blasting, grinding, and gaseously wafting into extreme metal nirvana.

Beyond Creation

Second From The Left guy probably saw a naked chick walk by.

So, this band is also Canadian, and probably were injected with the same serum given to Neuraxis, Quo Vadis, Augury, Devin Townsend, Blackguard, Woods Of Ypres, and 3 Inches Of Blood received as some strange scientific experiment of pure Metal genius. Seriously, what’s going on up there? I want to know, Canada. Why are you so polite and your bands so great? Except Three Days Grace.

With the Progressive Death Metal chops of Augury, the cosmic atmospheres created by Obscura, and a smattering of -Core influence, bringing the bottom heaviness to the surface, all Leviathan-like. I had heard a song by these guys probably a month back, but never fully dove into the chromatic pool that is Beyond Creation. Join me in a skinny dip, shan’t you?

And that’s all I got for tonight. As I eagerly await my second ravaging from Hevy Devy and finally get to see the Hate Crew live, peace be to you, earthlings. Eh.

Free Water! Hate Eternal and Origin at the Worcester Palladium

Dear Push Pits,

I’ve missed you dearly.

Hugs and kisses,


And now onto this dumb review. It’s been a long ass time since I’ve been to a pure metal show with huge bands that have legions of angry, hairy, and occasionally Mexican fans. Far too long. In that time, I had taken up acting like a gorilla who learned that shadow boxing is an effective method to combat caloric intake and the anger issues that come with being on the lower echelons of primate evolution. But I digress. I’d been far removed from trve metal action for too long, not counting the Lich King show a few weeks ago in a basement. It was great to be thrown in the proverbial dunk tank of mosh, having been in many a circle pit here and there, but not much shoving in the vein of a sumo wrestling match.

Now would be a bad time to text with your mouth open.

 Black Trip

“This is how you fist a succubus!”

I am grateful that I went to see Destruction, because Gennardo was standing outside selling tickets to this show for only 10 bucks when the ticket says 15. That alone gets these guys major props in my book, but the music itself is no sloppy affair! They’re the kind of band that doesn’t revisit a song part, so they’re obviously progressive in that manner, but they have a catchiness that comes with being Melodic Death Metal, and the intensity of Thrash at times, so I won’t try to pidgeonhole this one like I did with Aversed… but Progressive MeloDeathrash should work just fine. They displayed great energy, with the guitarist Ben Levin somehow getting his glasses into his mouth and spitting them out somewhere offstage and continuing playing while doing it. Afro Jesus? Probably, but you should check ’em out and support them. Try to get the aforementioned Ben to stand next to Nick Lazarro from Razormaze, because they look wicked similar. Bonus points, khed.


Does not match the carpet.

Tragically short set. Like Holocaust or Rwandan massacre tragic. With only 20 minutes to mop the floor with the pent up energy not spent during Black Trip’s set, it got crazy pretty fast. But then agian, that is the average Secrement show, an orgy of excitement and sweat with loud noises. Crowd favorite and closer Botched Boob Job was eschewed in place of a song off the new EP, which was fine, but c’mon… Botched Boob Job, man. Being one of Mass’ most porn obsessed bands aside from Composted, I’m surprised no one was freak dancing to them. That happened later, so more on that… later I suppose.

Abysmal Dawn

They’re shadow people. They like shadows.

It took a while for the crowd to warm up, and even the band themselves didn’t look all too excited, but that changed in good time. When Leveling The Plane Of Existence was announced, it was as if someone threw battle pheromones right into the pit area, and it got a bit more passionate. Helps that it has kind of an easy chorus to grasp, and that it’s one of their faster songs. Mid-paced Tech Death is a strange beast, but it’s a beast you’ll want in you. Not too fast as to be blinding, but not so chill you forget you’re listening to Death Metal. With three full length albums, they’re showing no signs of slowing down. At least not tempo-wise. I do declare, however, that the most interesting thing about this set was the fact that vocalist/guitarist Charles Eliott seemed to have a fan constantly trained on him so his hair was blowing back all supermodel-like throughout the whole performance, and no one else seemed to notice.

Vital Remains

Looks shopped.

Vital Remains is one of the evillest bands from ‘Mericuh right about now. Not just because they had the grand poobah of “Satan”, Glen Benton of Deicide do the vocals on their studio albums, or the fact that every song is about Satanic world domination, or their regular explorations of the stratosphere via sunshine green, but they know how to get a crowd at each other’s throats. One question that must be raised about this past show was the amount of karate. Pardon my naïvety, but I believe Vital Remains have no Hardcore influence whatsoever, and are too busy blasting away and being evil to groove in a way that one can throw down to, but y’know what, water under the bridge. The hardcore silliness faded as the set moved on, and was spuriously absent during the last(and best) songs, Hammer Down The Nails and Dechristianize. From then on it was some of the most vicious rounds of Ring Around The Rosie I have experienced, and believe me, there was a lot of falling down. With two bands left and having exhausted my throat, I can confidently say I had a good time during this set.


We see your pentagrams, inverted crosses, and spikes, and raise you a simple word in an all caps font..

Origin are quite the anomaly. There’s about 4 billion subgenres of metal, and about 1 billion of those are Death Metal. Origin happen to be Technical Brutal Death Metal, Brutal Technical Death Metal, and Progressive Deathgrind all at once. Ouch. It’s a lot to take in, much like the music itself, but unlike the cumbersome tags that many apply Occam’s razor to and just slap Death Metal on it, Origin’s style is not to be fucked with. While it is zingy and mathy, it’s thick and soupy. The drummer’s also on fuckin’ coke. Or so I believe. Before the show even began, the loudness of the drum set-up made me believe they had begun playing, so I ran in only to see them still tuning guitars. Yes, their drummer is insane, I’ll say it again. With my expertise on Origin mainly being on their last two outputs, Antithesis and Entity, I was slightly unprepared, but amazingly they played the few songs I did know, so I was content. New vocalist Mica Meneke did well in place of Jason Lee, and was much prettier, so all in all, great set, catch ’em live and be wowed. Just try to find a safe place to stand when Mica orders his three point crowd participation plan: Crowdsurfers, headbangers, and a murderous mosh where he demanded the death of at least one participant. YOW!

Hate Eternal

The moment after a badly executed joke is always the worst.

Double whammy of not being able to fully enjoy a band live: Not having been able to listen to much material beforehand, and having to leave early to catch the train. Kinda sucked since I was hoping they’d play the title track of I, Monarch before my departure, but that’ll have to wait. Until next time, motherfucks!

So I’ll take this opportunity to tell about the weird/funny shit that happened. All in stream of consciousness write it as I remember it format.

1. A certain gentleman in the classiest Acacia Strain shirt I’ve ever seen depicting pornstars sucking cocks and on the back it said “SUCK A DICK”. But that’s not all, as these shirts are common. The guy is a ballerina dancer, having took 10 years of lessons, and busted out a fabulous pirouette. I must applaud him for that, because it was a full on it and he managed to do it with such grace and splendour. Like the Swan Lake of HxC… Moving on.

2. Dirty dancin’ during Abysmal Dawn. DA FUUUCK?

3. A woman crowdsurfing in a summer dress. Not once for the lulz, but twice, goddammit. She’s got balls. Not to say I peeked up her dress and saw them… I’ll shut up now.

4. Origin tossed a water bottle seemingly in my direction, and I gladly picked it up. Sure beats paying 3 bucks for a cup!

5. My pal Alex’ ID somehow got up on stage, and Mica called him up on stage, and asked if he had any requests. In his Kennedy accent he said “Eh, they’re all good!” Exasperated, Mica turned to the tallest person up front and asked what he would like to year. Having yelled Finite, the band all shrugged almost as if planned out, and erupted into Finite. Everyone’s anus bled.

6. Buddy of Nemecide’s dance moves and impressive jump kicks. Dear lord, that guy’s limber.

7. The collective assault on several drunken idiots. We were superheroes, that night, standing up for justice and defensive broads everywhere.

And with that I bid you good day. Until the next show review, which should hopefully be about Devin Townsend/Children Of Bodom, enjoy your meaningless life. Cheers! \m/

Metal As Fuck Movie: Gladiator

Come at me, bro! And none of that pussy Flynning shit!

If you haven’t seen this movie, please go do. It’s good. Quite good. And it’s metal as fuck. Here’s why

1. Marcus Aurelius’ son Commodus kills him to become emperor. There’s a Technical Death Metal band called Son Of Aurelius.


2. Romans waging war against the Germanic barbarians. And they use bolt throwers. Or Ballistas. Or giant crossbows. Depends on how badass you are. Hint: The most badass use Bolt Thrower.

Potential ouchies

3. Spoiler Alert: When Russel Crowe dies, he is transported to the Fields Of Elysium where his dead wife and son await him. If you’re not familiar with the concept, then imagine the most beautiful garden you can. A paradise full of wonder, almost making you look forward to dying. Too bad it could be soundtracked by this.

Sound/image clash, anyone?

Fortunately, there is a back-up by a band called Battlelore. The title may not make as much sense, seeing as Elysium didn’t have much in the way of water in Gladiator, but it’s much easier on the ears.


5. A deleted scene that was a little controversial, but showed what Romans liked to do in their free time to dissenting religious practitioners. You know what that means…

666. Epic storyline. A man begins as a great general, helping his country expand their empire, and is betrayed by jealousy, and made a slave. Even as a slave, he fights to reclaim his country and bring down the tyrant. Fucking Metal. What better to commemorate the indomitable, indefatigable, and indestructible spirit that was Maximus than the hardest Metal band evar, DRAGONFORCE!?

I’ve run out, so you’re free to go. Cheers! \m/

Summer Sucks

Which is why I present to you some summer listenings! Sorry about the lack of updates in the last few days, but I’m back on er… schedule? Don’t question me, motherfucker. Now sit back and get some iced tea while I list off 15 good songs to listen to on a nice summer day. And by nice summer day I mean blasting furnaces of hell. And why 15 songs? I dunno, because I can. But here’s one possible theory: Order Of The Phoenix was the best Harry Potter book, and Harry was 15 when it took place, so there you have it.

What Do You Mean It’s Not AWESOME!?

Unleashed – Winterland

Probably one of the mroe kickass bands out of Sweden, they don’t fuck around. They bring the fuckin’ heavy. Too bad Mr. Hedlund’s lyrics are usually not the most clever, but we can have a snowball fight any day.

Mayhem – Freezing Moon

It’s freezing. It’s a moon. It’s a Freezing Moon!

Between The Buried And Me – Selkies: The Endless Obsession

It is off their album Alaska, so not much explaining here. If you like this, just go listen to BtBaM’s entire discography real quick. It’ll only take a second and won’t hurt!

Woods Of Ypres – Through Chaos And Solitude I Came…

Woods of Ypres never really had traditional BM lyrics about how Satan will rape everyone, but rather about life in Canada and Black Metal itself. Frosty as a ber straight out the cooler… in Antarctica.

Iced Earth – The Path I Choose

Whereas most of the other tracks on Night Of The Stormrider are like a moderately heavy snow, this track is a blizzard. More straight up and thrashy, which is awesome because this is a song from their more Thrash period. Yes, Iced Earth weren’t always pure Power Metal writing songs about 9/11 and aliens, so I dunno what you’ll make of that if you didn’t know.

Dragonforce – Fury Of The Storm

According to the brainy ones at TVTropes, this song is a giant metaphor for a couple of snow plow drivers going crazy while listening to metal, mowing down innocent civilians in their tirade, so caught up in the glory that is Metal, the foolish mortals in their path knew none the better than to be steamrolled by a vehicle that isn’t even fast. Godspeed you, Brits.

Norther – Chasm

Mind you, this is a remix, and the original version is much screamier. It doesn’t fit at all, though, so I’m glad they made a clean vocal remix. It gives off that wintry atmosphere much much better. Not that the other one doesn’t, but this one is more of a winter wonderland and less of ice needles going up your nose.

Officium Triste – In Pouring Rain

Now for some moisture! Death Doom always makes me think of cold rain, and what better than a song with rain in the title? Noffin.

Entombed – Through The Collonades 

Imagine you’re trying desperately to escape people who are hunting your, seeking to wear your skull for a codpiece, when you stumble upon a cave. “Oh awesome!” you shout, and jump in. What you find is a brilliant, cold, and very very blue world of danger, as you are surrounded by stalagmites and stalactites alike, all made of ice. At least that’s how this song progresses. I had to check to make sure the twinkling keyboards weren’t just a bad copy I had gotten of the song. It fits, though.

Abigail Williams – The Departure

As someone who once walked in the snow with this playing on his iPod, I can honestly say this is good winter music. And it is Black Metal, so by default, you should be thinking of snow, forests, wolves, all the like. Even though they are American

Sonata Arctica – Paid In Full

If the fact that their name is Sonata Arctica, which I assume means “Song of Ice”m wasn’t a clue enough that these guys like them some winter(They are from Finland!), then Pazuzu help you. This video also has lots of ice. And ‘splosions. Of Ice. I’ll stop now.

Behemoth – Entering The Faustian Soul

Although there is another song on Sventevith called Hell Dwells In Ice, I feel this one is a better representation of the cold melody that comes with good Black Metal. And it doesn’t suck!

3 Inches Of Blood – Balls Of Ice

BALLS… Balls… balls… balls…

OF ICE… Ice… ice… ice…

All you need right there. If it were possible to make spherical ice cubes(!?), then I’d do it.

Savaoth – Martyrion

Symphonic Industrial Black Metal? Sounds ridiculous on paper(or html based document), but works excellently in the hands of Savaoth. Their atmospheres are as cold as machines left to freeze on a distant planet, and their catchiness is like the plague.

Boris – Farewell

How fitting, yes? I didn’t do it on purpose, I swear. Boris is a weird band, but this song(and the whole Pink album) is quite accessible, as it isn’t Noise/Doom/Stoner Rock. It sounds like snow falling quietly at night while you sit and look out the window, forever alone. God I love this band.

And that’s all. Now go away!