Have You Ever Been Truly Moist? Children Of Bodom at the Palladium

I was scared damn near pissless I wouldn’t make it to this show. Thank Pazuzu it didn’t sell out, because Children Of Bodom is a magnet for true Metalheads, poseurs, and random slores alike. They flock to wherever Sexy Alexi And Friends play, attempting to ruin everyone’s good time more than Bodom’s intermittently obvious and perpetual hangovers. Y’know what? Screw that noise, I love Bodom. For all their faults and entry-level appeal, they’re one of the reasons why I’m a mangy headbanging fuck today.

What measure is a non-sexy?

Obscura

They’ll cut off your chonson.

German. Progressive. Death Metal. Three things that make Obscura great enough without the minor addition of playing mindblowing music. Hot Danke Schœn, what’s up with Germany and Melodic Tech Death? Fellow Germans Necrophagist’s ex-guitarist and drummer are in this band, so if that’s not a clear marker of quali-fuckin’-ty, I don’t know what is. They also have a new bassist as of very very recently who replaced the shorthair for reasons I don’t know, so now they’re even sexier, and the fretless is still groovin’.

This is what we hope outer space sounds like somewhere.

Opening with Septuagint was a genius decision on the part of Ob Of Scura. The pleasant acoustic intro served as a great forecast of the storm to come, and it came hard… Heh.. Anyhow, they blasted through the song with no remorse, even eschewing the clean vocals in favor of their normal bellows, which was a bit disappointing, but we all got over it. Of course, they played Anticosmic Overload, a staple in their set, and in the listening habits of anyone with taste in Metal. Needless to say, that circlepit was a big fat worm of hyper metalheads for all of two minutes before degrading into some rough shoving. Damn we love to shove. They also played Ocean Gateways, Vortex Omnivium, and Centric Flow to end their set. Apparently they were supposed to also play Desolate Spheres and at least one other song, but it got cut for the ‘Flesh. I ain’t complaining, as they sounded beautiful, as always. And they made Matt cry. Oh well, he’s vegan.

SepticFlesh

When you thought all Greeks were incessantly bare chested, bronze, and muscular.

 If post-ravaging murmurs ring true, then SepticFlesh are guilty of backtracking all but the drums, but fuck it, man, SepticFlesh rule, whether or not it was all lip-synched and the guitar volume so low that it didn’t make a difference whether they stood there or fiddled around semi-convincingly. Immediately following Obscura’s set there was a strange atmospheric track that sounded a bit like giant stones grinding together, slowed down to a hundredth of its speed. It was peculiar, but fine, because they have a flair for the dramatic. Said flair includes occasionally leaning away from the microphone instead of pretending to sing, but it’s all part of the show, I suppose.

Not much was played that I knew, just two off Communion, those being the title track and Persepolis. If memory serves correctly, the ‘Flesh somehow got us to do 3 separate Walls of Death during their 30-45 minute set. WHAT THE FUCK? Golf claps for that alone, you magnificent kebabs. They really know how to get the violence going, and my invisible orange/evil face out in full force.

Devin Townsend

He’s a Jedi, dont’cha know?

 This hoary ol’ chestnut’s been around the block and up and down the avenue. Twice. Devin Townsend Project is the third eponymous project this man’s embarked on, and I’m not even gonna list all the bands he’s produced for, guested with, and been in, because he’s an Attention Deficit Creativity monster. But he gets it done, and very well, at that.

Devin Townsend is ubiquitously hailed as the king of nerds in the Metal world, with his geeky voice and demeanor, his not-so-hidden love for sci-fi, and the ability to weave entire stories from seemingly nothing and make it awesome(a la Ziltoid). Yes, plenty of nerdy bands exist, like Wormed, Element, and Golem, but they’re still a bit too serious about their craft, and sorry to say, too po-faced to make it to Devy’s level of nerddom. And I bet none of them are nearly as fun live. Devin makes sure that even if you don’t know the song(which I didn’t for the last two), you’ll still have a blast. Where silly dancing and playing invisible Double Dutch might seem like an insult to any other band, Devin and co. embrace it, and if you’re not having fun at a Devin Townsend show, you’re not there. Having played On Your Command(complete with the 4th and final Wall Of Death for the night), Kingdom, and Supercrush, the set proved to be more fun than a barrel of monkey plushies. And they’re plush so they don’t bite off my nose or accidentally order 100,000 donuts.

If you were at that show and didn’t get told about the Meet’n’Greet with Devy in time, punch the nearest friend of yours in the face.

SUCKCESS BITCHES!

Children Of Bodom

The only band to this day brave enough to vacation in Clip Art.

I’m gonna go for a track-by-track and to the best of my exceedingly feeble memory. I love you, Bodom.

1. Not My Funeral – One of the few badass tracks on the new album in my humble opinion. It’s got some great melodies reminiscent of Hate Crew Deathroll, which was clearly enough to get the crowd at one another’s throats. And then I was reveling in the fact that Alexi Laiho was not but meters away from me. ❤

2. Bodom Beach Patrol – Out of all the songs they could play, I couldn’t believe they chose this. It’s one of Bodom’s most infections songs, and as soon as the opening drums kicked in, I immediately ran counterclockwise at the nearest sweaty man. By the way, we were all fuckin’ sweaty.

3. Needled 24/7 – Hooooly fuckin’ shiiiiiiit. It’s always great to go nuts to a song I pretty much grew up listening to, and that’s the truth. That pit got savage, and drunk. A guy that looked like a Carlito impersonator was kickin’ some serious ass. In a yellow flannel of all things.

4. In Your Face – Now this song had an interesting intro, where the band stepped off stage, police sirens sounded, and appropriately, blue and red lights flashed on stage. I had no idea what was coming next, and the band’s drunkenness was clearly showing at this point, but it’s all good, because it’s no secret Bodom likes their beer. So yeah, as soon as the song started, bodies hit the floor. It may not be their cleverest song lyrically, but goddamn is it fun.

5. Children Of Bodom – At this point I’m just roughly guessing the order, so bear with me. But yes, this is an oooold song, and the fans rejoiced, because it’s rare that a band will pull out something this crusty(though its crustiness is still shimmering, because it’s fuckin’ Bodom).

6. Living Dead Beat – Not really a favorite of mine, but a good song anyway.

7. Hate Me! – The song that propelled me to Bodomdom… ah sweet ambrosia, how I love to suckle thee. Not crowdsurfing was not an option, let’s just say.

8. Angels Don’t Kill – Is a pretty darn good song. To put it lightly. I yelled a lot during this one too.

9. Downfall – Waited all night for Bodom to showcase their long-discarded Neo-Classical abilities, and it finally came. Air violin was in order.

10. Was It Worth It? – Yes.

11. Are You Dead Yet? – No. Why are all these song names becoming questions now? Jokin’ aside, this song is fuckin’ awesome, and you’d be damned if you didn’t like this song, even if you hate Bodom and their fans to the core. Yeah it might have something to do with its infectious hooks and cleverly crafted licks that get stuck in your head for hours, forcing you to accept that it is part of your grey matter, but yeah, I guess it’s pretty cool. If memory serves, I think I got knocked on my ass pretty hard, but in the fun way where my whole body became a J, so it’s all well and good, and I’m masochistic in saying that I liked it.

12. Hate Crew Deathroll – The circle pit became morbidly obese and ate anything in its path, expanding almost unendingly until it burst and its hairy denizens were left to fend for themselves in a free-for-all that resulted in surprisingly little blood, considering a few Hate Crew members in the crowd throwin’ elbows. So, relatively pain free morning after, aside from a tiny bit of bangover in the upper neck area, but it’s the price one pays for glorious metal. And Bodom. Hah. I kid, Bodom’s just as metal as ever. Now what to do with their fans…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

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