What Makes Something Metal?

Not necessarily the End-All-Be-All.

Metal’s kind of a sticky genre. It’s covered in blood, cum, excrement, mucus and various other fluids I’d prefer not to mention. It’s one of the most hotly debated, without a doubt. What bands are legitimately talented, and who’s just a rip-off? Are there too many trends? What’s real metal and what’s not? Is Varg Vikerness a piece of shit or an eccentric master of his craft? We’ll just keep arguing because our lot are opinionated fuckheads. But we’re the cool kind, so it’s all good.

"Your opinion is irrelevant because you disagree with us. And you like G'n'R."

So I’ll break it up into a few genres and bands that are generally not thought of as metal, according to Metal Archives and/or opinionated twats everywhere. Starting wiiiiith…

Deathcore

“Earlobes must be as big as the circle made by your thumb and forefinger to be our vocalist”

The great Deathcore wars still rage on to this day. Is it metal or not? One must balance the pros and cons.

Pro: It is heavy as fuck.

Con: It tends to have wimpy lyrics, mostly centering around beating/killing women for breaking up with the vocalist

Pro: Strong Death Metal influence, borrowing from Suffocation and early Slam Death bands.

Con: They don’t know where their influences come from, they water down the talent, and are just copying other bands.

Pro: Knows how to get a crowd moving

Con: Knows how to make kids into amateur blackbelt assholes.

It’s a give and take with Deathcore. While I personally like it, and find much of it to be truly Metal influenced, some bands reek too much of a kid who hasn’t showered since his girlfriend sucked another guy’s dick. And that may have been 12 years ago.

Is that a neckbeard or dirt?

Deathcore can be intense, emotionally driven, and heavy as fuck, or it can just sound like this.

Slipknot

Keeping You In Puberty Since 1995

I personally can’t imagine where I would be without the ‘Knot in my life, seeing as they showed me that there are heavier bands than Disturbed and Linkin Park. Ah yes, my 14th year of life was irreparably changed for the better when I decided to buy Vol. 3, The Subliminal Verses, and I was sent down a deep, dark, heavy path from which I’d never return. But enough about my chubby chasing, more about Slipknot.

ATTN: Anyone with a bondage mask who wants to join a rock band

Slipknot are pretty metal to me, and I know this is heresy in the Metal community, but before I’m crucified upside down in a bucket of goat blood laced with cyanide, hear this!

Blastbeats are pretty darn metal in my book

No, this is not like Spineshank or Mudvayne where blastbeats only occur once and they pretend they never happened, but they have used them in various songs on all of their albums, and in my opinion, the only thing keeping them from being true is the vocal style of Corey Taylor on tracks like this.

So maybe not 100% trve, but definitely not 100% Nü.

Pro: Blastbeats, heavy guitars, shredding solos

Con: Sometimes these are non-existent, settling for mainstream grooves

Pro: Lyrics on Vol. 3

Con: Lyrics on every other album.

Pro: Has metalhead fans

Con: Has mall-goth fans

Grindcore, Powerviolence, Crust

Huh?

This should be an easy one, but for many it isn’t quite so cut and dry. Many Metalheads are into Grind, Crust, and PV, but for some reason don’t like to embrace those who are mostly fans of these genres as part of the community. Something about the long dormant rivalry between Punks and Metalheads, and how the scenes are allowed to exist in one another’s friend zones without much intermingling. Luckily, such rules have been ignored for the most part, giving us bands like Napalm Death, early Carcass, Anaal Nathrakh, and (insert another British band here), so that takes care of Grind for the time being. However, there are some glaring issues at times, with bands such as Anal Cunt, Weekend Nachos, Magrudergrind, and Agoraphobic Nosebleed not being considered Metal, but close cousins Pig Destroyer, Phobia, Amebix, and Insect Warfare gladly being embraced by Metal Archives’ ever so inconsistent staff.

Pro: Fast, aggressive, violent

Con: More for punks than metalheads

Pro: Fast, aggressive, violent

Con: Metal songs are usually more fleshed out

Pro: Fast, aggressive, very fuckin’ violent

Con: Metalheads usually prefer pushpits

Slam Death Metal

I believe it’s EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…

Just kiddin’, it’s Intracerebrally Consuming Cephalalgia Through The Cranium Macerating Debrisfucked Manure Ingested Remains Of The Mindfucked Cataplexic Wicked Mankind Whom Fistfucked The Progenies From The Deepest Depths Of The Analmaggot Raped Human Pieces Of Erotic Shitmasses Which Gave Birth To Worthless Eunuchs As Travesty For Cumstained Whorefaced Sluts Enslaved By This Stupid Society Full Of Fetal Garbages, almost as unforgettable as Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- kurstlich- himbleeisen- bahnwagen- gutenabend- bitte- ein- nürnburger- bratwustle- gerspurten- mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut- gumberaber- shönedanker- kalbsfleisch- mittler- aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm? To do justice to this man, thought by many to be the greatest name in German Baroque music, we present a profile of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- kurstlich- himbleeisen- bahnwagen- gutenabend- bitte- ein- nürnburger- bratwustle- gerspurten- mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut- gumberaber- shönedanker- kalbsfleisch- mittler- aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm. New paragraph?

So yeah, Slam’s a ridiculous genre. And no, not all the band names are 55 words long or nearly as badly constructed, but yes, there are some that are that bad musically and conceptually. Slam Death Metal is to many, a legitimate offspring of Brutal Death Metal, but to some, it’s just Deathcore with more than one note per breakdown, and can all be danced to the same.

Also known as Japanese Bullfrog Metal

Slam is polarizing because some find it too extreme and pointless, and another form of -Core, while others feel it’s Death Metal at its finest and should be held up there with the greats. With old school bands like Suffocation and Dying Fetus escaping much of the blame/credit, we’re left with a deluge of bands whose logos are all dripping, spiked, bevelled, and symmetrical all the same.

And then there’s these assholes!

Pro: An offshoot of Brutal Death Metal

Con: Can take too much influence from Deathcore(not necessarily bad, but comes down to indiviual opinion)

Pro: Über brutal

Con: Über brutal

Pro: Makes for great live shows

Con: I guess some people don’t like having fun at live shows

And that’s all I’ve got for you today. Fuck some shit up, and continue arguing amongst yourselves.

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One response to “What Makes Something Metal?

  1. Pingback: How I Evolved: From Peasant to Metal Knight « thatblackmetaldude

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