How I Evolved: From Peasant to Metal Knight

So, in the wake of a bitch ass hurricane and fallout from the war at home, I’m writing this from my dad’s computer. Rules, khed. This is a post I’ve been wanting to write for a while but never really felt like writing for some reason. Cognitive dissonance is a bitch. But here I am, on a desktop with a third of the keyboard hanging off this tiny desk, writing at last a post which might be the last for a little while. Here I shall chronologically trace some big events that led me on my journey to what is one of the most stupid and talentless genres in history, according to one very dark child.

Sublime

Three Men Smokin’ Dope(To Say Nothing Of The Dog)

 

This is one of the first bands I remember actually caring enough about to learn the name of and talk about. When I was about 9 or 10, my brother decided it’d be a swell idea to show his lil’ bro the wonders of their Greatest Hits CD, chock full of references to sex, weed, drinkin’, and all the swearing that goes with it, making Sublime fuckin’ awesome. To this day I put on hits and non-hits alike to jam, sometimes with my dick hangin’ out. With their mixture of reggae, punk, ska, hip-hop, and a touch of hardcore, I was exposed to mroe musical types than I am germs from you filthy humans.

Dragon Ball Z games, among others

Muscular men engaging in eternal combat? So Metal.

Dragon Ball Z games had some of the rockin’est soundtracks I’ve ever heard, including a few songs influenced by Stratovarius, so that’s gotta be worth something.

A couple of Duke Nukem openers had Static-X and Megadeth helping out, Captain Falcon’s theme in Super Smash Brothers was a badass solo, Never Trust A Snake from Simpsons: Hit And Run was a masterpiece, and Final Fantasy X has a weird groovy Metal song with what sounds like, in the words of Spoony, a dog trying to sing Slayer, and so on.

Spoony doesn’t lie.

WBCN

Aside from the occasional Cypress Hill, Beastie Boys, and House Of Pain song, yes.

I randomly stumbled upon this station in my radio days when it was playing Slither by Velvet Revolver, and though it was one of the coolest things I had heard at the time, being only 12 and not knowing much about music in general because I was fat’n’stoopid. On this here station I discovered some stuff that would become the cornerstone of my listening, such as Green Day, Korn, The Hidden, My Chemical Romance, Metallica(the only real metal played with regularity), and more. It solidified my interest in rock, and lighter punk, and became the foundation of my future fascination with Metal.

Nu-Metal and Slipknot

They know how you feel because they held onto that pain for decades.

While most Metalheads deny that Nu-Metal and Slipknot(yes, they are separate for the most part), I fully embrace that I went through that phase where I felt like Jonathan Davis and Corey Taylor were the only people who understood my fucked up thoughts. Yeah, it was pretty stupid music, with pretty stupid lyrics, but dammit it was heavy, aggressive, and more in check with reality than some of the stuff on the radio, which is saying a lot, because 30+ year old men talking about how much it sucks to be 14 is either  a shitty teen novel or the Linkin Park albums of the time.

I’m not gonna lie and say I’ve completely left behind the music of my early high school years, as I do like to jam out to those aggro tunes spun by Evanescence, Spineshank, Papa Roach, and Deftones(who I recently saw, great show) just to recapture the times where life was simpler.

First Forays Into The Steel: Black Label Society and Iron Maiden

Pay no mind, it’s only a model.
Fuck you, fans, you drank some of the Jäger I set aside for myself: The world’s supply!

Ah, if I hadn’t gotten The Number Of The Beast and Mafia, I don’t think I would’ve seen the light(dark?). Yeah, these albums kick ass. Go own them.

Behemoth

Not gonna be caught in church any time soon.

Fun Fact: I bought Behemoth’s (then)new album The Apostasy because I saw their picture on a forum I once frequented, liked their outfits, and impulsively bought it. Yep, it doesn’t always happen in the most practical or sensible way, but it’s like falling off a skyscraper with a boner and surviving unscathed because your cock strategically landed in a teddy bear. These trv Metal titans grabbed me by the nuts and showed me that evil music is cool as fuck, man.

Metal Hammer

This was before Satan, skulls, and cool scary stuff was invented.

Without Metal Hammer I can honestly say I wouldn’t be the same manchild I am today. I remember buying the October 2007 issue, opening the pages, and knowing few to no bands in there. Today, I know most, if not all the bands featured at some level, having looked them up after getting said mag. It opened me up to a shitton of bands, mediocre and great, that are out there trying to advance Metal, Hardcore, Hard Rock, and everything that isn’t Hip-Hop, basically. It saddens me that the mag has changed so much since I started buying it. Once, it paid tribute to Metal Gods and newcomers alike, but lately seems to be swinging more to coverage of -Core, Hard Rock, and generally not very metal bands.

It’s time to play “Spot The One Real Metal Band Featured On The Cover”!

Metal mags in general seem to be running out of steam, and are just saying “Okay lads(because they’re all British, donchaknow), we need to talk about what old bands are releasing albums and what new bands are coming out with EPs”, because that’s how they seem nowadays. But alas, I must give mad props to them for sculpting my taste, so two horns up for you limey cunts.

Deathcore

Note how one has both eyes unobscured.

Yes, Deathcore helped me become a real metalhead too. Judge me not, you probably listened to a shitton of it too, strongly reminiscent of the awkward Nu-Metal stage, only now you have a few more band shirts and possibly even the ability to write something without it becoming a seething attack on the schoolyard bully.

IESOUS!

Deathcore catches a lot of flak, but face it, any kid born in the 90s will most likely encounter Deathcore, think it’s awesome, and either move on or keep it as a pet. I did the latter. And I sometimes have sex with it. Audiophilia aside, Deathcore was like Behemoth and other Extreme Metal bands in the way that it showed me a new dimension of heaviness.

From the straight up obviously Deathcore “I Hate Everything” of The Acacia Strain to the subtlety of Between The Buried And Me, who many argue aren’t Deathcore, it’s not all swoopy haircuts and ex-girlfriend hatred, but something to draw more kids into Suffocation and other old school death metal bands who paved the way for the breakdown.

Everything Else Falls Into Place

Yeah, fuck you.

So I glossed over my J-Rock phase, MeloDeath phase, Nuclear Blast 4-disc smorgasbord, my adventures in VCast, and all that good stuff, which all happened at various points of my existence, but hey, it gets muddy, and whodafuck cares, I’m awesome now.

So my next post is gonna be about Kamelot with a greasy Eyetalian on vocals instead of KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!! who had a religious “awakening” of sorts. I patiently await his return and apology for his weird phase. So, with arms folded in disapproval of mallcore poseurs, I bid you farewell.

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