Look At These Fucken Nerds

This post shall be about the nerdiest bands/musical projects I can currently think of, and since it’s almost Christmas, I felt this was the most appropriate time to do such. Don’t question me, I’m your fucken lord. We’re all nerds here in the Metal kingdom, which I call Metaldom, because I wear a crown. Terrible photoshopped picture of me wearing a crown soon to come.

Ziltoid The Omniscient

Since Ziltoid is made by Devin Townsend, a man who hasn’t done a thing wrong except quit drugs, you know it’s great and you haven’t even listened to it yet, you closed-minded glob of meat, blood, bone, and sadness. Why is it nerdy? Because it was made by one man, a whole sci-fi/fantasy story was built for it, and all the voices were done by the aforementioned one man, being a single human, a solitary unit among (then) 6 billion of us. If that’s not geeky to you, then jump in the Sarlacc. Plus, we all know Devin’s a fucken nerd. Pay attention before I sit in your lap.

Princess Ghibli/Imaginary Flying Machines

Let’s just say hypothetically, that you enjoyed Melodic Death Metal, Deathcore, Thrash Metal, and the animated epics of Hayao Miyazaki, all to varying (but large) degrees, and someone decided to combine them. And let’s also say for the sake of argument that Blood Stain Child, Disarmonia Mundi, and a few Italian bands no one cares about all banded with a few Japanese vocalists to create songs based around Hayao Miyazaki’s anime. What would you call that? If you say “gay”, I will divebomb you from a dirigible.

Ayreon

Much like Ziltoid above, Ayreon’s mainbrain Arjen takes Creative Writing to a whole new musical level. I’ve yet to listen to a lot of Ayreon, being intimidated by the possibility of “not getting it”, and to be honest, it’s pretty well-founded, as he creates whole backstories that can span more than one album, has a shitton of guest musicians, and is apparently no slob whe it comes to music composition. He’s a geek, is what I’m getting at. And we all know that only total nerds add narrative that is just that: narrative. As in spoken words to show that there is in fact a story under that tapestry of melody’n’shit that normally distracts you from the fact that he could’ve written a book rather than an album and it’d be much of the same, if not a little quieter.

The Metal Shakespeare Company

Must you ask? This project couldn’t be more dorky if Frasier and Niles Crane oversaw it during a literary conference. There are a few other Shakespeare themed bands out there, and some bands have even based entire albums around a play or two from the bard, but this one takes the Shrewsbury cake. And what is up with that keyboardist… that you can’t even hear?

Therion

Therion went from H.P. Lovecraft obsessed Death Metal to general global theologists. If there’s a deity that someone in some millennium or another believed in, they’ve written a song or two about it. If there’s a civilization that may or may not have existed, they’ve based an album around it. Add in a dash of Gothic theatrics and you have drama club soup.

Hail Of Bullets/Bolt Thrower

Aside from being one of the few Death Metal bands who has more baldies than not-baldies, Hail Of Bullets are obsessed with WWII. Fuck Ken Burns, listen to these guys if you want to know what it was like freezing your ass off in a Russian winter while the Reds fired upon you.

Bolt Thrower on the other hand is like a history textbook with every boring paged ripped out and replaced with cool stuff, leaving nothing but battles and gory details about said battles. Before they moved to the physical realm, they wrote a few albums about the more fantastical wars that occurred in the likes of Warhammer 40K, so extra geek points for that. However, no other band can claim to have an album inspired by the Crusaders’ invasion of Constantinople, thus driving the final nail in the warm’n’fuzzies between Orthodox Christians and Catholics. No one.

Suigintou SS

Rouzen Maiden themed Nazi Socialist Black Metal. For those not in the know, Rouzen Maiden is an anime. This is probably a good place to stop. It doesn’t get any more vexing than this, really. How in the green hell can one claim to be National Socialist, hate Jews and everyone not white, and then turn around and be Otaku? He has quite a few other projects, most Lolicon/Anime/Japan themed in some way shape or form, all terrifyingly byzantine in their fervent anti-everyone-who-isn’t-white-or-Japanese madness. By the power of Pazuzu, you have fucked me up for life, Kirakishou.

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