These lyrics are getting MiSTified

Hullo all once again. I wish to jump on the gravy train that is MiSTing, that is taking the piss out of some3thing otherwise written in all seriousness. For fans of Mystery Science Theater or anyone who snarks in general, this one’s for you. I’m going to MST a few masterfully written songs for your viewing displeasure, because I know you’re at least semi-literate and anything these bands write is an affront to intellect worldwide. Some of these bands /songs I like, some I don’t, figure it out for yourselves, and enjoy.

Emmure – 10 Signs You Should Leave

He is not only a starborn, he is also a terrorist!

You know it’s all a game, that we play back and forth. I lead you chase and we’re back to square one

Is this hopscotch or tag? I’m already confused about three lines in.

We were not meant to be. I tried my best to work it through. I asked my friends what should I do?

Anything but MST an Emmure song, because that’d be a waste of time for everyone!

Their only advice was leaving you.

Great friends, I might add. Any grown woman who plays kindergarten games is clearly not ready for an adult relationship.

But I’m glad I did. Or at least that’s what I tell myself

She was pretty damn cute, despite her infantile need for juice boxes.

I swear to God I never would have known your face or your name.

Er… so you don’t really know this girl? Big red flag there, sir. Big, biiiig red flag.

If every day is a constant reminder you’re a. Whore. Liar. Ghost. Harlot.

I’m pretty sure that you knew what you were getting into when you shacked up with the wandering spirit of a French Revolution era prostitute, but some of us just can’t know until it happens.

And it’s sad to say, that, I still cry to the Bayside CD every day.

And it’s sad to say, that an adult male listens to Bayside.

Don’t you know that those songs are about you?

I’m flattered, though I’m sure the lads in Bayside and I are in a strictly platonic kinda deal.

Check tracks 8 and 9, then call me back.

But I’ve already used my minutes this month!

You ask me, “When is it over?”

I’m not sure if I’ll get an answer from this man.

Over. This isn’t over ’til I say it’s over.

So, another hour?

This isn’t over. Til, I say.

Okay now you’re just speaking Angrish.

Back to square one

I see what you did there, you cunning linguist!

Come on!

I think I’ll walk away now.

Waking The Cadaver – Chased Through The Woods By A Rapist

Half Bear, Half Toilet, All Spaghetti

Tonight this cunt will pay

In pounds, if you catch my drift.

My dick beats up her face

And they always said it had a mind of its own!

Her life and cunt are mine. This slut shall now. See

I’m sure it’s hard to see when you’re dead, but then again she could be staring through the eyes of the dead. And how do we know she’s a slut yet? We’ve yet to hear her side of the story.

All night on this bitch I release my piece.

That’s a lot of ammo to expend on one bitch, if I do say so myself. Logistically it’s not worth the cost.

Yes. Yes. I am the man. And I will kill when I can. You try to run. But you’re done. Run. Gun to your head. One more sound and you’re dead

Charming little rhyme scheme there, truly a reincarnated E. E. Cummins.

Kick in your teeth. With my cock piece.

When your penis has grown a pair of feet, you might want to consider cancelling all future travel plans to Chernobyl.

Sweet labial meat. Her inside out twat. Tastes great to eat.

Most sweet things do. Great observation, here’s your participation point for the day.

Dripping and slipping and oozing and flowing with spit. This vile slit. Will ghost ride my prick.

So her nasty slimy vagina will proceed to dance and do tricks AROUND your penis instead of ON it while it putters dumbly down the street?

Blood pours from her tender throat. I left her bound to a tree.

Where everyone can see it? Novice move, I can see you won’t make this killing habit a serial thing.

Nude. Strangled. Butchered and Blasted. Now these skanks know not to fuck with me.

Only respectable women from here on out. The lesson for today is don’t be a fucking skank, or Donald Campan will beat, rape, shoot, cut, eat out (literally), and tie you to a douglas fir.

Bury Your Dead – Lion’s Den

Yes, I picked this because he looks like a lion here. Problem?

How did we end up here?

You wrote the song, you tell me!

Right back where we started. Right where it all went wrong.

I suggest leaving.

Face to face, but still displaced. We’ve been standing here all along.

IT WAS HIS SLED!?

You keep talkin, you’re screaming my name. The ground stopped moving, and nothing is the same.

Sex on a conveyor belt with a chatterbox was never a good idea.

I can’t hear you from way down here, in this hole that you left me in.

What’s the word for a phrase that bookends itself with the same word, and is this hole metaphorical? Either way, get down here in this hole and tell me either.

(chorus)

Do you ever wish you were someone else? Cause I do.

Self-esteem issues, dude.

And if I could be anywhere right now, it would be with you.

Abandonment issues, dude.

You see there’s no place for us to run, there’s nothing we can do.

Defeatist issues, dude.

We don’t belong here, we don’t belong.

Wait, I wasn’t invited to this party? Well fuck, might as well stay in this hole that I was left in.

Now every time I stare in the mirror all I see is all gone wrong.

Proactiv MIGHT work for you. It didn’t for me, but the pretty TV people tell me so.

She’s on the cover of a magazine. Not of this world with a plastic frame.

You were dating a supermodel and fucked it up? Bummer. Also, since when is the world or magazines framed by plastic? I’m not sure, but I think your fly’s down and your participle’s dangling.

You let me in. You let me break you down. You’re just a twisted little whore!

Name calling now? And you wonder what went wrong.

(chorus )

Children Of Bodom – In Your Face

Alexi smells of airbrush here.

Go!

Was that a direct command or…

Conflict, terror, hear the noise!

It’s keeping me up at 3 AM, so fuck you!

You’re on the edge of a nerve-wracking force! But oh my God, here’s the fight!

Never have two sentences followed such separate paths as these.

Never siege, never riot, must defy!

Is this a peaceful protest anthem now?

Now look at me, what do you see?

A man who clearly doesn’t use Old Spice.

Another trophy, a living fucking dead beat.

Hah, because intersong references are always clever!

Close your eyes, and take a step with me. You’re gone but it’s not too late.

I’ve heard this in churches before. I’m having second thoughts about you, Miss Laiho.

Exhibiting abnormality, it’s not what you call reality.

Ever heard the phrase “Truth is stranger than fiction”?

But you will always forget

My memory is pretty bad, how’d you know?

One thing I’d like you to know. I don’t give a flying fuck motherfucker.

Okay?

I don’t give a flying fuck, motherfucker.

Gotcha.

I don’t give a flying, I don’t give a flying, I don’t give a flying, FUCK!

Noted.

I’ll never wait for any interference.

That’s the way we all are, right? I personally don’t like inconvenience.

When other people talk all over my shit.

Eww!!

But do I speak thee, yes I do.

Ye olde butcherde English makes an appeerance, shoteing my braynes owtte.

So fuck hypocrisy and fuck you too!

Yes.

 

No!

Say one, more word. I double dare you, bring it on!

If I win, I get your lunch money for two months!

It’s my world, you’re in it. It’ll take you down in a minute!

Extreme variant of “everything trying to kill you”?

You can alter your look, diversify your age.

Only with the help of those special potions, but I heard that those don’t work, courtesy of The Goblet of Fire.

But the truth, seems like, a bitchslap in your face!

Ouch! Layin’ down the facts!

Unleashed – Down Under Ground

Long hair, fair skin, mjolnir pendants, forest landscape. Yep, they’re Nords. Run.

This is the story about a young man who died.

Evidently?

Who didn’t have the guts to fight back.

I’m pretty sure his guts are no weaker than yours, mister Hedlund!

He put his pride in a plant so green.

I don’t put pride in it, but anyone who does is probably a dumb bro anyway.

He started suckin’ his own blood.

What.

Coward! Are you a man or a mouse, junkie!?

So Unleashed is working for D.A.R.E? F.S.U.? Drug Free World?

(chorus)

Down, down. He went down… under ground.

Most people do, otherwise it starts to smell reeally bad.

Well he grew up, just like you and me.

And to all the babies listening to this song?

Had his dreams, but he just couldn’t see. Why his life was full of pain… and misery. He chose the easy way, and escaped from it all. Half-man, half-mouse, a little coward!

Now I almost wanna feel sorry for him, but I probably shouldn’t spare sympathy for this manmouse thing.

He started taking them, white little pills. He was on his way…

Let me guess.

(chorus)

The years passed by, and the spring came.

I don’t think you know how seasons work, mister Hedlund. Unless Swedish years are only weeks long.

He was gone, as the “snow” that day. When he first tried heroin…

He could fly into space and stay seated in his armchair at the same time!

So he grew old, but he was just a boy. For politicians, he became a toy.

Since when is heroin a political thing? And why is this gene-spliced manmouse so important in the upcoming elections?

He lost his pride, to a plant so green.

Hedlund, sir, I doubt the verisimilitude of your junkie-bashing story, as weed and heroin are oceans apart. But sure, weed killed him.

(chorus x infinity)

Sarcófago – Desecration Of Virgin

Ebull

(Note: This is too easy, since they’re Brazillian and their English will be horrid by default, so this is just kicking the dog)

Seven night before of a sacred birthday

I think I’m gonna be sick already.

The lord make himself present at a virgin’s home

Well that’s not very nice. Did he at least knock or just apparate into her womb like with Mary?

Demons suck your pussy

These may be rough’n’tumble baddies and fallen angels, but they know the importance of foreplay!

And fuck ’til delight.

So that’s what they’re calling an orgasm now? Totally incorporating that into my sexcabulary.

She isn’t more virgin because was fucked by Satan

I take it they didn’t take English syntax.

He put the virgin of four fucking your ass hole

WHAT.

The orgy haven’t stop ejaculating on her mouth

I think ejaculation signals some sort of end to sex, but that’s just me, a typical male that gets a bit spent after blowing a load.

She suck the hammer of Satan

MJOLNIR, ARISE. And yes, Odin is now Satan.

And reach the first orgasm

She can reach orgasm though orally pleasuring another? Clearly we have an anomaly… capture it and proceed to experiment on it.

He break laws of god and prophane the mother of gods.

So Satan just raped Juno? I’m sure she’ll take revenge sooner or later, because she’s just cool like that.

Nightwish – I Wish I Had An Angel

Jack Sparrow and his intrepid crew go for darker and edgier.

I wish I had an angel for one moment of love

Well you know what they say about the voice of God; it arrives and it’s done with you before you’re entirely sure what happened.

I wish I had your angel tonight

Get your own, slut.

Deep into a dying day

Alliteration accrues allure?

I took a step outside an innocent heart. Prepare to hate me for when I may

Tell you that I wasn’t really on birth control all this time

This night will hurt you like never before.

“Honey, have you ever heard of ‘pegging’?”

(chorus)

Old loves, they die hard.

Go on…

 Old lies, they die harder

FUCK YOU TARJAAAAAA!!!!!

I wish I had an angel for one moment of love. I wish I had your angel, your Virgin Mary undone.

Put your clothes back on, Mar! Are you a virgin of a fucken whore!?

I’m in love with my lust

If there is a picture of Tarja masturbating out there, please do NOT send it to me.

Burning angel wings to dust. I wish I had your angel tonight.

Sorry, but expressing interest in burning angel wings and then wanting to shack up with one implies some unfortunately dangerous fetishes that are best practiced alone or with Johnny Storm.

I’m going down so frail and cruel. Drunken disguise changes all the rules.

Translation: “I’ll only blow you if I’m really drunk and you’re cosplaying as Tuxedo Mask.”

(chorus)

Greatest thrill, not to kill

Just to maim and leave wingless!

But to have the prize of the night, hypocrite wannabe friend. 13th disciple who betrayed me for nothing!

This is verging on buttrock territory. I’m almost wishing for the pseudo-fantasy/pyrophilia lyrics to make a return to form in the shape of a seraphim.

Last dance, first kiss. Your touch, my bliss. 

You’re Kirk, I’m Spock. Your cunt, my cock.

Beauty always comes with dark thoughts.

Funny, I was just telling mister Campan up there that doesn’t always have to be the case.

(chorus once afuckin’gain)

And with that, the MiST clears and all is returned to its previous unspoiled glory. Oh happy day.

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