The “Hipster” Problem

My idol

Irony is a dead word. Impaled on the cruel spire of malaprop, its blood trickling to the dusts of a linguistic graveyard where the misused and abused lexical fragments of today’s culture go to be buried under the likes of “dawg”, “gnarly”, and “Vanilla Ice is cool”. Yes, you fucked up big time, “hipsters”, now no one knows what irony really means, and no amount of dictionary learnins will fix it.


This asshole.

Son, I’m glad you asked, because this talk was long overdue, and I decided to keep it from you until you found out what “the gays” are. You see, a “hipster” is someone who has no clue what subculture to identify with, and likes to look poor whether they are or not. Though the definition itself is so anomalous, amorphous, and anus that I can scarcely be the one to finally nail down exactly what a “hipster” is. Anyone who listens to Ska, Indie Rock (as certain strains of Alt. Rock are diagnosed), Punk, and Metal (ironically, of course) can be called one, fer Fred Fuch’s sake. Hell, you can be called a hipster for liking something obscure, or not liking something mainstream. You can’t win, so nuke the world.

Some things most “hipsters” can agree on however, are Muse and Radiohead. Now matter how much of a cold shoulder “hipsters” give to the mainstream music, those two keep popping up as bands one would list as “hipster” food.

When someone says “hipster”, I imagine this:

But is this correct? Most likely not, as “hipsters” come in various forms. You have your Metal “hipsters” who insist that only Prog is real, and like bands from genres they claim to hate. You have your normal strain of Indie “hipsters” who have their pulse on Urban Outfitters’ latest in-store items and seem to fear eye contact with the sun. Then you have your punk “hipsters” who are a mysterious breed and dress similarly to the Indie “hipsters”, but go for more Three Chords And The Truth rather than whatever the hell witch house is. It’s fucked and left for dead, this art form.

Ironically, these people all believe themselves to be unique.

I’m not even sure where to go from here, as the concept of what comprises a “hipster” is as enigmatic as their ever-shifting trends. I’ve come to the scientific conclusion that since “hipsters” have no universal set of fashion or music characteristics, and that basically every young person speaks or dresses in a way that one would describe as “hipster”, I’m forced to guess that we are all “hipsters”, and my use of quotations around the term bely my lack of commitment to this post in general. Mind you, I’m basing this, much like anything else I post about, on personal observations, and if you’re mad, then go do heroin with a dog. Someone please tell me what ultimately defines a “hipster” and what weapon type/element they are weakest against. I’m betting swords and fire.

I don’t even know what it sounds like, but I know the kids enjoy it. Damn kids.


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