The 2012 Manly Awards, Hosted By A Picture Of Cam Pipes

Quit being fags and wear some form-fitting leather.

Thanks Cam. Y’know, I’ve decided since 5 seconds ago that I should catalogue a few of the most badass bands in various categories, because I feel I haven’t been paying enough attention to the Dude, and as a result, you pay less attention to me. It’s sad, and teetering on tragic but I’ll right it all and bring sunshine to Mordor. Manowar is not invited, so fuck you. Honourable Mentions are just the ones that came off the top of my head and are subject to change. Keep in mind, this is all opinion, but my opinion is as good as fact, so deal or die.

Names That Aren’t To Be Fucked With 

The Winner: The Fucking Champs


Progressive Metal whenever they feel like it, Indie Rock by trade, whatever that means. Their name is sweet, and earns them top dog as the ballsiest name of all time. They’re so badass, in fact, they title their albums by number, and flipped off the conventional wordy kind.

Runner-Up: Lightning Swords Of Death

Lightning is manly. Swords are manly. Death is manly as a muhfucka. Mash ’em up and you get something chunky and effluent, but chock full of muscle-building protein. Black Metal that sounds like the inside of a motorcycle engine is not for girly girls.


Honourable Mention:


Rotting Christ

Shark Punch


Austrian Death Machine

Badass Beginnings

The Winner: Asphyx – Deathhammer

“This is real Death Metal, ya bastards!”

Runner-Up: Judas Priest – Painkiller

Think your drum fill is awesome? Fuck you, ‘Priest did it better than anyone has or ever will.

Honourable Mention:

Dragonforce – Black Winter Night

Morbid Angel – Dominate

Nunslaughter – Burning Away

Coffins – Cadaver Blood

Unleashed – Far Beyond Hell

Ideal Barfight BGM

The Winner: Motörhead – Runaround Man

Sing those bitches the blues.

Runner-Up: Entombed – Seeing Red

Being angry is cool.

Honourable Mention:

Accept – Balls To The Wall

Volbeat – Pool of Booze, Booze, Booza.

Prong – The Banishment

Panzerbastard – Hell’s Gate

Down – Eyes of the South

Shed Those Manly Tears, Boy

The Winner: Stratovarius – Forever

Runner-Up: Devin Townsend – Hyperdrive

Honourable Mention:

Dark Tranquillity – Fabric

All Shall Perish – Awaken The Dreamers

Thou – Acceptance

Officium Triste – The Silent Witness

Cynic – King Of Those Who Know

Shai Hulud – Solely Concentrating On The Negative Aspects Of Life

Album Covers For The Hairy

The Winner: Amon Amarth – Twilight Of The Gods

Simply looking at this illustration of Thor mercilessly giving Jörmungandr a taste of the business with Mjolnir for 5 seconds grows you several more facial hairs. Regardless of gender.

Runner-Up: Bolt Thrower – War Master

Yes, that man’s stance is not appropriate for battle, but he should care why?

Honourable Mention:

Pantera – Vulgar Display Of Power

Anal Cunt – Fuckin’ A

Belphegor – Lucifer Insestus

Type O Negative – Dead Again

Altar – Provoke

Break Stuff

The Winner: EyeHateGod – My Name Is God (I Hate You)

This song makes me want to bang my head against the table I’m sitting at until I at least have several hairline fractures and a nosebleed.

Runner-Up: I Declare War – New Age Holocaust

Beating Your Best Friend With A Shovel-core

Honourable Mention:

Ancient Filth – Ancient Filth

Municipal Waste – Upside-Down Church

Abacinate – By The Righteous Hands

The Red Chord – Demoralizer

Devourment – Incitement To Mass Murder

And now we move on to the Battle Hymns. You’ll notice that I’ve left out all traces of Symphonic stuff, because that’d be too obvious and bloodless. Instead, here’s stuff to actually kill to.

Battle Hymns (Metal)

1. Iron Maiden – Invaders

First Iron Maiden song I had ever heard. Damn good for ransacking that unsuspecting savage village in the Andes!

2. The Haunted – No Compromise

If you bought rEVOLVEr, you paid only for this song and none of the others.

3. Misery Index – The Seventh Cavalry

the Hans Zimmerman of Metal. Yes, I’m putting them above the Symphonic bands.

4. Unleashed – Blood of Lies

Someone appoint Johnny Hedlund to Secretary of War, if such a position exists in Sweden.

5. Exhumed – Casketkrusher

What Berserkers listen to after a relaxing bloodbath.

Battle Hymns (-core/Punk)

1. Trap Them – Manic In The Grips

If you’ve got Trap Them on your side in a fight, you’ll not need more than a minute to finish the clown who stepped to you on the BBall court.

2. American Me – Flybag

Beatdown belongs here, not on your knuckles.

3. Have Heart – About Face

if only they’d about face from being broken up.

4. Ramlord – First Breath//Last Breath

It even starts out with a howl for added spice.

5. Leftöver Crack – Atheist Anthem

The Manliest Men Of Metal. Mmm.

Ben Weinman

Also known as the “Iron Man” or “GERONIMO!”, which I’m going to start calling him since he hasn’t died or suffered permanent injury due to his timelessly dangerous stage antics, which include jumping off of stacks of amps, hanging from rafters while playing guitar, jumping into the crowd with reckless abandon, and all manner of acrobatics, without missing a single note. Such a lack of regard for his own safety earns him a place in the Manly Hall Of Fame.

The Dillinger Escape Plan may not be Metal, but Ben must be made of adamantium.

Varg Vikerness

This guy lives in a cabin in the woods. In Norway. That’s all I need to say.

Lemmy Kilmister

The man is 66 years old, plays in one of the biggest and longest running Metal bands currently existing, perfected the art of connecting a handlebar mustache to muttonchops, has more virility in his forearm than a fit man my age despite smoking and drinking nonstop, has a voice that could tear the flesh off a callused rhinocerous and the face of a stoned troll, yet still somehow gets laid consistently on Rock’n’Roll merit alone. This is why he is, quite predictably, the number one contender for Manliest Man in Metal. You are now dismissed.

We can finally stick a fork in this shitshow of an awards ceremony. No band members even showed up despite my inviting them over facebook wall posts and a promise of free candy with a side of sex. I’ll never repeat it again, and I bid you never speak of it as long as you live.


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