New England Metalfest Day 1: The Bad Beginning

A massive, godlike undertaking. A plethora of musical talents and a variety of styles meshing to coalesce in a way that is spiritually and mentally gratifying upon experiencing. But enough about my own one-man project. This is New England Metal And Hardcore Festival, Fif’-fuckin’-teenth installment, and still boasting bands heavier than your mother and more talented than your girlfriend when she displays her ability to play multiple skin-flutes. It’s the big-time, and probably the only reason why you’d be plraising the lord almighty that you live in Worcester. Let us proceed into the part where I describe how bands sound and whether or not I like them.

I’ll begin this by saying fuck you to that bastard that ran around my homies’ hood of Watertown/Belmont and caused that kerfuffle that tied up all of polite society for a whole day while the piggies played an old fashioned game of Cops And Terrorists and eventually cleaned up the mess right fast. So, hopping aboard the metaphorical A-Train with Beefy Keefy and his pals, we made it in Worcester at around 4:30-5:00, just in time to catch a few minutes of  Massachusetts’ own premier Metalcore act Shadows Fall on the downstairs level, and the likewise Northeast born Death Before Dishonor. In short, Shadows Fall didn’t play any songs I was interested in, and I’m not a fan of DB4D, so neither held much for me to be excited about.

However, what there was to be excited about were the party and zombie obsessed Speed Metal Punx Drunks in Municipal Waste. They fucked it up, oh yes.

My apologies to mister Wentworth for yoinking his picture. RttP is being a bastard. Anyhow, yes, Municipal Waste did fuck up, but they also fucked the crowd up. The drummer may have had a brew(ski) or two to many, and was noticeably off in his bass drum work, and they had a good setlist of ragers like “Sadistic Magician”, “Terror Shark”, and of course, “Born To Party”, but it felt like they could have included a few more of their best goodies like “Bangover” and “Septic Detonation”. Perhaps I’m just too kvlt for my own good?

I didn’t run in too many circles because I had to save my energy and hatred for Trap Them, one of the more hateful metalcore acts that’s allowed to carry the tag without the stank that scene kids gave it some years ago.

Looks kinda like a picture I could take with my phone. As a matter of fact, it probably was? Fuck, I’m sad.

But I sure as hell wasn’t sad in that pit, oh no. I came in swinging, gettin’ down to the funky rhythms of “The Facts”, “Insomniawesome”, and “Iconflict”, to name a few righteous tunes full of the buzzsaw guitars, pissed-at-you howls, cannonading drums, and rumbling Earthquake bass that makes Trap Them sound dirtier than a raven just come out of a tar pit. Much less squawking, and more flailing fists. Get punched, die lonely.

With no time left to while away after whiling away the time that it took for Every Time I Die to do what they do, I went downstairs to see Hatebreed teach us about perseverance, brotherhood, loyalty, and being a good dad.

Hatebreed is a band that I cannot bring myself to enjoy fully, yet it’s just so hard to hate them. They write some catchy songs (though sadly they didn’t play “Another Day, Another Vendetta” or “Killing An Addict”), they’ve got crunchy breakdowns, and of course, they’re hilarious. Funniest moments of their set included:

1) Jasta requests a circlepit during a breakdown. Is he bonkered?

2) A couple of fat dudes bromancing hard and seemingly so afraid to get in the real pit that they created their own on the stairs where they just kinda bumped into one another and hugged.

3) Everything else.

After that silliness, we got into some more with Anthrax, featuring Joey Belladonna and His Remarkably Well Preserved Voice.

And another yoink. I really should start writing these sooner.

So, Anthrax, one of the big 4, finally crossed off my list. I doubt I’ll see Metallica for a good price and I could give less than a fuck about Megadeth because they don’t make my dick hard, so maybe someday, Slayer. Joey’s shout-out to the Boston Police Department for catching those terrorist muggles notwithstanding (you should know by now how much I don’t like those guys), there’s nothing bad to be said about their performance. I’ll just enjoy the fact that I saw Among The Living played in its entirety, AND snagged a free Motörhead hat from the little shelf that I had to crowdsurf to get to. I’m sure I exposed my fat ass to dozens of people in the process but give I a fuck not, because I have a free Motörhead hat and it’s worth the shame of not being sexy. Fuck it, I do what I like, and I like what I do. And what I do is run in circles when Anthrax plays “I’m The Man” and “Anti-Social”, and collect them bills. This has gotten ridiculous. Shut it down.

Stay tuned for day two. I already wrote it but chronologically I’ll pretend I didn’t.


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